Some dreams I had Last Night

I must be getting “homesick” for working at Symantec and living in Eugene, because I had two fully-formed dreams about the States last night.  Fully formed, in this case refers to the fact that I was able to fall back into the dreams even after interruptions.

Dream One:  The Work Dream

I walk back into Symantec, which is suspiciously in the same field that where my elementary school is.  In fact, “work” is now a series of desks, like those at an elementary school.  I take my desk and advise everyone that I am back at Symantec until I find a new job, in order to continue pulling a paycheque.  People then start asking questions about why I am back and what I’m doing, so I start snapping at them and laughing “For someone so old, shouldn’t you be worried about how much time you have left?” and stupid crap like that.  I tell them that I don’t care about future employment with Symantec and the “boss” asks me to leave.  The “boss” was a former co-worker, and not a former supervisor.

I get up and write my name on the board and leave, taking my gym shoes with me.

Dream Two:  The Store

After finding a new home (a big house with neat rooms that hide when you press a button)  I venture out to find a new job.  I wander into the local Geek/Surplus/Comic store and proceed to convince the owner (Stu) that I need to buy the store from him for “all the money I have” which turns out to be 49 cents.

Stu sells me the store and I close up to take stock.  I find an exciting number of expensive curios and books, as well as a collection of comics that don’t exist.

I kept falling back into this dream and exploring the store, which I never left.

Hmm…

You know you've done wrong by your customer when

Starting immediately, we will be upping the activation count to a 5 by 5 plan. We will be raising the maximum amount of computers a user can have BioShock installed on simultaneously from 2 to 5, and allowing a user to reinstall BioShock on each of those computers from 3 times to 5 times

Oh, something is wrong with your install?  Reinstall.  Hmm, still not working, reinstall.

Have these people even seen the inside of a software support center?

Reinstall is step 2 in the four-step customer blow-off plan for bad techs.

For those at home, the four-step plan is this:

1.   Did you reboot?  Will that take a long time?  Go ahead and call back if that doesn’t help!

2.   Did you reinstall?  That will take a long time!  Go ahead and call back if that doesn’t help!

3.   Did you install Patch X+1, [where x is the version the customer has and +1 is a cosmetic update]?  The download will take a long time.  Go ahead and call back if that doesn’t help!

4.   I’m sorry, I don’t support that operating system, let me direct you to the correct agents, thanks for calling!

At least twice in any long-term support issue, a customer is going to be forced to reinstall.  If they have done so on their own they are already buttressing against these imaginary limits.

Let customers who have physical media or downloaded “unlocked” media reinstall as they want, if you are trying to lock stuff down to prevent piracy, REWARD paying customers with content that is only available through online activation of keys, make the enhanced content online only and activated only through an SSL encrypted keying system.

Ta Daaaa!

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