All posts by NiteMayr

Before:

Kevin was born on the mossy hills of Scotland and lived for a while in West Lothian before the mores of pre-Thatcher and REALLY pre-Oasis Great Britain sent his family across the ocean to North America. They moved here and there and Kevin did the same when he was old enough. Now he lives in London with his family and a Dog.

Kevin Wardrop is an amateur writer, amateur photographer and professional pain in the ass. He has worked in the PC support business for most of his adult life and has been accustomed to simply answering technical questions as a matter of fiat, it was his career choice after all. Now he herds cats and puppies for a living as well as babysitting the web enterprises at the heart of western industry.

Teleporting Underpants killed the Toilet Paper Industry

I found this on Linkedin

This list annoyed me, mostly because it takes a conceit, then makes a list then makes the conceit fit.  The Conceit being people value customer service over other things (or at least it appears to, I’ll not try to determine if that was where things started, but it appears to be the case)

  1. Amazon didn’t win because of customer service.  Amazon is difficult to use if you aren’t already familiar with how the Internet works.  There are no sales people and no experts to tell you which is better when comparing things.  You have to seek that out.  Amazon is CHEAPER.  That’s where Amazon won.  It was cheaper than the store for pricey items and it’s fun to get things in the mail.
  2.  Netflix did kill Blockbuster; because it was more convenient to get DVDs in the mail and watch things online than it was to go to the store.  Notice that online game rental services aren’t really tearing up the charts though?  Yeah. but STEAM?  BUCKETS OF MONEY.  People like convenience, the late fees didn’t enter into it.  If Blockbuster wanted to win, they would have opened mini stores in theaters and sold downloads of the movies that people had just watched and upsold Physical copies with special features.- Also DOWNLOADING killed Blockbuster, free and convenient?  YES!
  3. Uber makes money by not having to pay for licensing and maintenance.  There.  That’s not success, that’s piracy.
  4. Apple didn’t invent singles, they negotiated the ability to sell them in a way that was convenient to people.  Again, being able to buy things without leaving the spot where you are is always going to be better than having to go to a store.  Had HMV made the same deal or better then Apple might still be the also ran they are.
  5. Air BnB is Uber for houses.  They sell you and make money from your property and you get some too.  Yay!

All of these things have the same thing in common, someone is able to achieve their goal without having to leave the spot they are sitting in.  When someone invents a viable teleporter you can wear as underwear people will buy it so they don’t have to leave the couch to drop a deuce.  You get me?

It’s not customer service that killed the toilet paper industry, it was teleporting underpants.

Wilson’s Diary / Cold Future

Premise for and outline for a season of a Police Procedural that uses the “Bootstrap Paradox” to make things works.

Premise:  A new detective is assigned to a cold case squad and is able to (with minimal prompting) make connections that could not have been made before.  They are handed the case information, they go through the motions and are able to solve the cases.  They are offered a chance to move into major crimes, etc.  They demure and stick with cold cases.

Their partner discovers that this prodigy keeps careful diaries of their work; but thinks nothing of it.  The detective has a friendly rivalry with another rising star in the Special Victims Unit; who takes down sex criminals and has been getting more and more exposure in the media.

The Hook:  The lead character “Wilson” is from the future, approximately 100 years or so.  Far enough that society has moved on but they have partial amnesia.  The good news is they have a series of detailed diaries given to them when they were in their mid teens.  Yes; those same diaries.  The Diaries are written in a code that prevents someone who isn’t from the future from reading them and understanding them.  To the casual observer they are just normal diaries.

The Twist: The other rising star is a criminal from the future who also suffers from partial amnesia.  Mid-Season the criminal comes to his senses and he uses his knowledge of the future to enrich himself and becomes a politician.  By end of season the “Future Criminal” has become an influential politician with real power.

Ugh, this is Time Cop, isn’t it?

 

Even More movies that Would be improved by the addition of a Giant Telepathic Squid

Let’s get right to it

50 Shades of Gray Grey

BDSM and Sensuality are nowhere to be found in this hollywood bean flicker about Dakota Johnson and some Dude who is #notmychristian. It’s a Hollywood take on a BDSM movie that doesn’t star Rosie O’Donnell and Dan Akroyd.  Without that dynamic duo, who has the time for it?

How would this movie be improved by a sprinkling of Calamari with evil intent?

Two Words.  Slimy Sex. Okay, three.  Slimy Wet Sex? No, moist.  That’s it.  Moist.  Everything would be moist.  I have it on good authority that moist is a wholly despicable word,  So I’ve taken the liberty to moisten this whole paragraph up in anticipation.  I got nothing, I remembered the Dan Akroyd Rosie O’Donnell Sex movie and my mind went to its happy place and didn’t want to come back.
Lemmie take another swing at this.
Christian Grey? Or Gray, what way is it.  Not Still stuck on Rosie in Bondage gear.
It was just startling, she was already middle aged and so was Dan Akroyd.  It’s called Exit to Eden.  THAT Movie could have used some human sized squid, to ink out our memories!  I have exactly three good memories about that movie and they have little to do with the movie itself.

King Kong

King Kong is the story about how a girl can go away on an overseas adventure, come home and her summer romance follows her home in steerage,  Things are all going well for him, he has a show on Broadway, he’s even the star; but when the Girl isn’t on his same wavelength he takes things to extremes and ends up getting hurt,

How could King Kong be improved with a Giant Squid?

For once the Giant Squid is not one of the “bad guys”  Gail finds herself alone in the wilderness; next to a blue pond when a massive, squishy head emerges.  Another Giant Monster.  It looms over her, tentacles caressing and teasing her, a massive beak just feet from her.  Fetid air around it.  It opens it’s mouth and… says “Gurrrrl, you should get away from Kong now, he’s only going to snatch you up and run away with you”
Later, standing over Kong’s body Gail gets a telegram with the words ‘I told you so.  Squid”

Mrs. Doubtfire

How could Mrs. Doubtfire be improved by adding a Giant Squid?