So it’s the Teabaggers v the Sane. Alrighty, then, let’s do this.
But first, we have to get the ground rules straight.
Right off the bat, I think it imperative that we begin with a level playing field – and that field is gonna take a hell of a lot of leveling.
First off, you (the “Teabaggers”) have to stop griping about being called Teabaggers. You picked the name; we didn’t. The uniforms have already been delivered – and you’ll be wearing them. There’s no turning back now. (Next revolution, you might want to investigate the origins of your name, and perhaps choose more wisely).
Speaking of uniforms, we’ve chosen tasteful, everyday attire. It would seem you have chosen sweatshirts that desecrate the American flag by plastering it over your flabby stomachs and substantial butts. If you have reconsidered this choice, please advise.
Please be more specific in your complaints. Placards that read “Keep the guvmint’s hands off my Medicaid” have us confused. Being as Medicaid is now, always has been, and always will be a guvmint-run program, we’re not quite sure what you’re bitchin’ about. We stand ready to be enlightened.
In a Revolution, just as in all things, communication is key. While we, the Sane, have not taken up the cause of making English “are offical language”, we do actually speak it fluently, and can communicate coherently. If you need a time-out to familiarize yourself with spelling and grammar, we are more than happy to accomodate you.
Choosing a leader is also important. We’ve chosen President Barack Obama. We will need to know who your “leader” is forthwith. (Note: If you are leaning towards Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh, you should be aware that skill-testing questions, along with drug-testing, will be required.) Again, if you need more time to come up with a leader who can pass either, we are willing to afford you whatever time is necessary.
No backsies – once you’re in, you’re in. This means that we can use public roads, highways, libraries (“liberrries” to you, and we figure there won’t be much of an argument from your side when it comes to their use) – and you can’t. You don’t believe the government should be “intruding” into your personal lives by building/maintaining same. So be it.
There will be no government hand-outs to you or yours – by way of medical treatment if you are injured, Social Security payments, food stamps, welfare, etc. We, on the other hand, will be free to benefit from any and all government “intrusion” into our lives.
Strictly off-limits: wiretapping citizens without a warrant, relegating dissenters to “free speech zones”, arresting and incarcerating anyone as “enemy combatants” without due process of law, subjecting anyone to torture – you know, all that fun stuff you people are so enamored of.
You cannot label anyone as a socialist or communist without being able to coherently and accurately define those terms. We cannot label anyone as an ill-informed douchebag without defining those terms – and we can, just so’s ya know.
Our “official spokespeople” will be named at a later date. We are still choosing from among the many Ph.D.s, Nobel Peace Prize recipients, Pulitzer award winners, and internationally renowned among our ranks. We are assuming you’ll be going with Hannity or Beck – or some other ill-informed douchebag who graduated Come-Loud from the Ding Dong School of Political Wherewithal. Please advise at your earliest convenience.
As in all Great Battles, the overwhelming question is: Whose side God is on?
Well, we’ve done some fact-checking (something you’re unfamiliar with, but you can Google it for a full explanation of the exercise) – and lo and behold, it seems that we who are concerned about the “least among us”, who consider ourselves “our brother’s keeper”, and have this thing about “doing unto others as we would have done unto ourselves” have a definite advantage with this long-haired, commie-pinko guy from way back – yeah, the same guy YOU drag out and re-hang on a cross whenever convenient!
I’m not saying we all believe in his divinity, or ability to save wretches like you from your just rewards – but damn, you can’t miss the fact that he’s more like one of us than one of you. And I hear he’s got some sway with his Dad.
Contrary to popular belief, the Revolution WILL be televised. So please leave your hooded robes at home – white sheets wrapped around pasty white faces tend to come across on-screen as a bland misrepresentation of what America looks like in reality – and, oh, yes, forgot to mention: reality is in play here. Sorry about that. But there will be a home version of the game for all runners-up, a suitable consolation prize for those who mistakenly thought bigotry, homophobia, AND cluelessness were the winning answers.
Now that the rules of engagement have been established, we await your response.
Operators are standing by. And to avoid any further confusion, please use Spellcheck before replying.
NanceGreggs @ Democratic Underground
Eddie Murphy plays the dual role of “this generations greatest captain” and “the ship itself” in this Sci-Fi comedy about a crew of 3 inch tall aliens in persuit of a secret weapon designed to steal all of the Salt Water on earth.
Much has been made of how bad “Meet Dave” is, and like “Norbit” before it, most of the problems people have with it can be traced to the easy familiarity of the movie and not to any other quantitive problem. It’s trite and lazy; the plot is obvious and cookie-cutter easy. Aliens come to Earth and take on the attributes of humans, some get into rap, some go crazy and the ostensibly toughest guy on board is a flaming stereotype. Sigh, yawn, seen it before. There are no surprises here. The guy with a stick up his butt goes crazy, takes over the ship an alienates the “kid”. Yawn.
The fish out of water story has been done to death, even by Eddie Murphy himself. This movie might even be best described as a family-friendly “Coming to America” with Arsenio Hall replaced with Gabrielle Union. It’s pretty much the same movie. Eddie Murphy’s character tries to blend in with the Humans, fails, falls for a local girl and finds love. It’s the same basic movie, without James Earl Jones and Sexual Chocolate.
Once again, we have a long-time movie comedian going back to the well for more of the same, hoping to win over his core audience, only to find out that his core audience has grown tired of his work and moved on to dirtier pastures. When Eddie Murphy tried to go back to dirtier roots (Norbit) they weren’t interested in that either. Which is a shame, because like Mike Myers’ “The Love Guru”, “Meet Dave” isn’t a bad comedy. I laughed at the predictable jokes and liked the ending. Yes, I saw it all coming when I saw the poster, but it didn’t make the ride any worse.
Audiences will go on the same Roller Coaster over and over again, hit the same drops and loops over and over and keep going back, why don’t they do the same for movies by established celebreties? They see the same stories over and over, the same themes. It’s not to say that “Meet Dave” is great, but it wasn’t as bad as one would have imagined. Eddie Murphy was funny, the relationship with the kid was “hearwarming” and the plot was straightforward. What more can one say about a family-friendly movie?
“Coming from ‘Saturday Night Live’ and doing stand-up, I’ve always done multiple characters,” he tells Thea. “I’ve always mixed it up at the movies; it’s kind of what I do.”
“I really like it when you don’t know who it is,” he beams. “Like if I do something and you watch the movie, and afterwards you’re like, ‘Hey, you know that old lady was him’ — and they’re like, ‘What?!!!'”
Eddie says the new movie, also starring Gabrielle Union and Elizabeth Banks, is very “sweet and funny” and kid-friendly.
–Eddie Murphy: Inside the head of ‘Meet Dave’
That last quote contains the death knell that tolled for Eddie Murphy “Kid-friendly” now, that death-knell sounded out its dull “Bong” years ago. It was heard right in the middle of “Doctor Dolittle 2” for me, it may have been around the time “Beverly Hills Cop 3” came out I’m not sure. Yes, “Pluto Nash” was crap on film. Let me say that again, “Pluto Nash” was so bad it might have actually killed Randy Quaids career altogether. That movie was a horrible pox on the movie industry. “Norbit” was better than “Pluto Nash” do you know why? Eddie Murphy could curse in it.
I can sum up what makes Eddie Murphy funny by quoting Eddie Murphy in “The Absent Minded Professor”: “Shit Locks!”
The whole Dave Chappelle sequence was AWESOME! Larry miller coming down on him in outrageous terms was great!
Eddie Murphy is failing the exact opposite reason Mike Myers if failing. Mike Myers is being bounced because he is still falling back on his punny, schticky humor and Eddie Murphy is failing because he stopped being filthy and started being startlingly kid focused. Even “Norbit” was all about kids, in a way.
In a word of advice to Mr. Murphy, no one under the age of 30 really remebers “Raw” or “Delirious”. If you don’t get out there and remind us of the filthy but genius Eddie Murphy we loved, you are going to be box office poison from now on.
â€œFinish this list for me, Dan Brown: Angels and Demons, The DaVinci Code, and _______. Donâ€™t think your fans have forgotten that you owe us a third book. Weâ€™re waiting.â€
-Whine by Toby Glenn
You can almost hear the prissy voice behind this one saying “get to work MISTER BROWN, I don’t have enough religious intrigue in my life right now!”
Former disgruntled Alter Server?
Seminary student gone bad?
Middle aged and bored with all the high-end prose on the Oprah book club list?
We may never know.
My name is Ed Kuck and I am the web master of this website that has received so much attention in recent days. I am 70 years old and a veteran with more than 20 years of service in the United States Air Force. I have been married to my lovely wife, Rumpa, for 35 years. Rumpa was born and raised in Thailand and became a United States citizen after we were married. Together we have two bi-racial children of which we are very proud. One is honorably serving our country while our youngest is still in high school.
Hey Ed, from my count, you married Rumpa when you were 35. From age 18-35 you had ever opportunity to marry an American Woman! What was wrong with America then? Huh? 35 years ago, A Thai woman? Probably met during that long forgotten conflict in Asia? Why were you in Thailand? And why did she leave when democracy came to Thailand? Don’t you love Democracy? Ed? Do you REALLY love America, or do you just live there for tax purposes?
According you Ed, this isn’t Racist: “Obama loves America like O.J. loved Nicole“
When I put up the controversial slogan on my website, it didnâ€™t even dawn on me that the comment could be perceived as racist. When I first saw the slogan, the thought that immediately came to mind was that this was a statement about love and hate. I found that icon during a time when I was watching Reverend â€œGod Damn Americaâ€ Wright on television. I was angry that a Presidential candidate who professes his love for America had been sitting through 20 years of sermons by a man who said, â€œthe United States brought on the 9-11 attacks with its own terrorism,â€ â€œAmericaâ€™s chickens have come home to roost,â€ and â€œthe government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color.â€ How could you love America and sit through that garbage? I love America, and darn it, I would have stood up and walked out! Obama refused to denounce his Pastor until his polling numbers started to take a nose-dive.
So, something some Pastor said justifies your attack on Obama, not anything Obama said or did. Just something his Pastor said. I imagine that your friends in the Republicans should be expected to expel you from the group now? I mean, you said bad stuff and married a foreigner, clearly they should publicly denounce you!
I have always had a diverse group of friends over the years and have never looked at them as black, white, red, yellow, green or any color of the rainbow. I have a good friend named Tom Inge. Tom is an African-American and a Pemberton Twp. Republican Councilman. Tom canâ€™t get his restaurant open in our town because the Democratic Planning Board members are prejudiced against him. I donâ€™t know whether it is because of his race or because he is a Republican, but I do know that he is both, and he is being screwed. Why doesnâ€™t the press cover this story? Probably because he is a Republican.
Ah, the good old, “I have a black friend” defense. The corollary to “I’m friends with lots of black people” as if any of that proves that you are no racist. Why not be honest and sa:
“I thought it was funny, they are both black and I don’t like either of them and I wanted to associate Obama with a murderer in the sense that I think he would murder america”
Instead we’re treated to this shameful song and dance where you use your kids, your wife and your friend Tom as a kind of shield from criticism. You Coward. You weak 70-year-old coward. You weren’t even infantry, you killed people from the sky. Now you’re old and weak and looking for an out when you are caught making a shameful joke on behalf of your organization. Man up and admit to what you intended.
So while I do apologize for offending anyone by the icon, I am more sorry that my family and friends had to endure such a traumatic experience because the PC police assumed that I was a racist. This is why I thought it was best to call my Municipal Chairwoman yesterday and resign my post as a committee-member. I think too much of the good people in the GOP to let the Democrats smear them because of my mistake.
This website always was and will continue to remain my own personal website, and I will put on it whatever I please!
If you don’t think your family and friends can take the heat, don’t make inflammatory statements on their behalf. On that note, let me state that I am sure that I speak only for myself and not anyone else on this Blog. Unless otherwise noted, I’m the person in charge of the keyboard.
Who knows if this will remain up, but if it does here is the link to the Eds website:
At the time of this writing “The Love Guru” is running at 15% at Rotten Tomatoes. I’ve written about how this movie is being held up as an example of Mike Myers’ descent into mediocrity. I don’t need to rehash any of what I said there about the man himself, but what to say about the movie?
In short, I laughed at it. It’s juvenile, it’s facile, but it’s funny. The Character “Guru Pitka” is juvenile, it’s what he does. He uses low-brow humor to put the people around him at ease. It’s the depth of this character that the critics are missing, they are trying to find a tortured clown in there and missing the joyful clown that the character is. One can only admire a character who is so unbound by the world that they can punch a little person with no obvious regret or misgivings. Would that we would all feel so free, especially in the way the two forgave each other immediatley.
Yes, it was improbable and often insulting, but it was Comedy! Real comedy. One Liners, penis jokes, fart jokes, Elephants Making Love in the Air Canada Centre! Why are people down on this movie? It’s a great “straight” comedy. No need for subtext or veneer, just obvious puns and slapstick, it’s acceptable when “new” comedians do it, right?
Perhaps that is why this movie has failed at the box office, it isn’t new. It’s familiar like an old shoe and perhaps old shoes aren’t what people want.
I forgot what day it was last night, and put my garbage out on the curb. My big, 2 weeks old garbage bag. Full of chicken.
Get the picture?
Be glad I didn’t take one, it was a disaster.
What is it about garbage that attracts the animals? Is it the rotting meat? Ewww!
Jen ended up having to re-bag a bunch of garbage, fighting clouds of flies and beating a raccoon to death no doubt, since I was at work already.
I’m firmly in the “I wish we had bag tags so that I could put out extra garbage” camp. I still don’t have recycling containers and so have tons of garbage that needs to be dealt with and last week I ended up having to store garbage in the garage as we had too many bags out. If I could have paid to put out more bags, I would have.
Anyone in the London area know where I can buy recycling containers?
NiteMayr’s helpful advice on raccoon fighting:
Raccoon combat is never pretty, it always seems to involve low blows and insults about one’s mother. I will usually just toss some cat food off to the side and insult their love of “pussy food”. Yes, it’s a low blow, but it puts them off-balance for the final “yo mama’s so furry that she has an entire page on Encyclopedia Dramatica” which sends them into a shame spiral. It’s troubling that even racoons are familiar with ED, but that’s the viral nature of the ‘net for you!
–Nitemayr “Raccoon Combat”
On George Carlin:
Hes average, personally i like Chris Rock, Eddy Murphy and Russel Peters most. Never heard of him until he died and i even asked my dad, who knows most bigger comedians and he had never heard of him.
Feel free to link me to some of his good stuff, his 7 swearwords stuff was pretty…. average.
Nobbeh – who is level 44
I know my Dad, he knows football (the good kind), nuclear maintainence, 60s and 70s rock and pop, safety regulations, union politics and a bit about almost every other subject. I wouldn’t go posting on the internet about how I asked my dad (who is not a bona fide authority on anything) about said subject. I might say that I looked around some comedy blogs or science manuals or whatever, but not “I asked Dad, he says get stuffed“.
I am a Dad too. I pretend to know everything sometimes too. However, I like to think that I’ll admit when I’m stumped. I don’t want my kids or neices and nephews to think they can use me as an authority on anything save what I’m an expert on, and even then I’d like to think they’d lie and use a euphamism like “I asked a professional asshole, and he says you’re part of the club” or “I know an expert in social dissasspointment, he says that if you sucked any more at being in relationships you’d be looking to on Henry the 8th memoirs for advice”
Or something like that.
When Myers appeared on â€œThe Daily Show,â€ the comedian seemed genuinely upset that Jon Stewart didnâ€™t let him set up the unfunny clip of his film. Thereâ€™s something so cloying about Myers these days â€” itâ€™s as if he thinks if he repeats a joke often enough, he will wear down the audience into laughing. And his kind of movie â€” the silly, based-on-a-skit type â€” seems slightly archaic in the post-â€œSuperbad,â€ â€œKnocked Upâ€ world, which feature characters who feel real.
Ack! I want to defend Mike Myers so much. He’s a big boy, so he can stand for himself I’m sure. I just hate when a comedian gets on the “not funny now” list like this. It would be different if this column hadn’t pointed at Superbad and Knocked up as examples of with it comedy; then I’d have let this pass unmolested. But to point to Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill and say “THEY ARE THE FUTURE OF COMEDY” is just wrong.
Over ten years of Kevin Smith wrong.
I liked both of these movies, just like I liked a bunch of other foul-mouthed dick and fart joke movies. I like dick and fart jokes and can’t deny it. I also like stupid accents and physical comedy. Mike Myers has embraced what makes him funny and people have decided “so what else is new?” Jim Carrey faced this when he tried to put his brand of humor into established places and failed (which made the whole cat in the hat thing kind of puzzling to me really) Mr. Carrey tried to turn what had made “Fire Marshal Bill” “My, Myself & Irene” funny into something that could pass from movie to movie; forgetting the humanity that the Characters were hapless losers that won out in the end.
Mr. Myers might want to stretch himself more in the future though, as it appears he is going to be castigated for doing what television sitcoms do for years on end, giving the audience more of the same with the same cast and so on. This afflicts a bunch of comedians, and kind of seperates the comedy fans from the deliatants, the die hards will accept more of the same if it is still funny and the masses just want something new and possibly shocking. Which is why “I don’t want to offend you…” by Bobcat Goldwaith was a hit with standup fans and no more than a blip on the radar of the general public. It was more of the same, but the delivery and material was so great, who cares that you knew all the punchlines?
I like to think of great comedy like I think of great music, you can hear the same phrases and motions over and over and still enjoy it. Sometimes you can find new textures and flavours in it. I think that Mr. Myers has tried to put a new spin on an old act and found people don’t want a new spin, they just want new.