Why nostalgia isn’t good for movies
Ice-T in his "Pool" Role.
Sigh, yet another top ten list on Digg. Every day another list. Crappy Top Ten lists (except for cracked who seem to have a good handle on such things) are thick on the ground these days and getting thicker. Why bother with a substantive article about 80s nostalgia and the vagaries of movie production when one can just list their favorite tv shows and say "wouldn't it be cool if Ice-T played Snarf?"
If you missed it; Ice-T played a mutant kangaroo in "Tank Girl", it's not a stretch to put him in a Snarf suit.
Face it; no cartoon you enjoyed as a child will ever be a great movie.
Some movie adaptions of cartoons can be "acceptable" (I'm looking at you GiJoe and Masters of the Universe) but they can easily slide into awful (you too GiJoe, Masters of the Universe and Transformers, Flintstones, Spiderman 3, Batman Forever, Catwoman, etc).
I imagine the reason for this is the same reason we can't enjoy the same music universally because our individual tastes and cultural lenses are so unique. When someone tries to interpret why a given concept was so good, their own biases and interpretations will inevitably change the subject to meet their own vision, ruining it for everyone else who "loves it" as much as they do.
Take for example the "Addams Family" excepting the cultural touchstones that were added to the modern movie interpretations, the spirit of the original subject matter remains the same. The characters are fairly tight copies of the originals, the house is a bigger budget version of the original and while more fleshed out than the original material, there were no significant characterization changes made.
Compare this to "The Transformers" the stoic warriors from Cybertron who crashed to earth during the cretaceous period and spent millions of years in metal hibernation only to resume their fight in the modern era are replaced with pod robots who are clumsy led by a robot from Cybertron who says "My Bad" and another robot who pees on people.
This is a quality remake? No this is inevitable. Michael Bay looked at the Transformers and saw an opportunity to make his Robot Buddy movie. A metal Bad Boys.
Except Transformers isn't about cops or drugs or LA cultural commentary; it's about an ancient war for scarce resources on an alien planet fought by refugees. This is where any adaption for movies would fall apart except in the most skillful of hands, because if you catch my drift from before, my interpretation is probably inaccurate for the general public too.
In 10 years, someone will remake Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
If someone was to remake Harry Potter as a homosexual love triangle between Snape, Draco and Harry it would still sell tickets, regardless of its fidelity to the source material. This is the state of media and storytelling. There is almost always an audience, but it takes a deft touch to reach a plurality of that audience. Even when that audience is made up of fans of the subject matter.
The Harry Potter movies may even be a great example of why Cartoon Movie Remakes are doomed to failure. Harry Potter is (for the most part) the consistent vision of a single creator telling a continuous story. Cartoons are (with few exceptions) the product of multiple creators over many years often facing competing visions and cultural pressures. Even the venerable South Park has uneven storytelling and writing, with wildly vacillating moral mores. If a cartoon that has creators and producers who are so committed can be so wildly uneven, how can a toy-driven cartoon like "Thundercats" ever hope to be captured as a widely accepted and even acclaimed live-action product?
Fans who came to a product later in life would have a much different view of it if the cultural norms that bore it were no longer remembered or relevant. GiJoe may have been about an advanced fighting force against a faceless and aggressive terrorist force, but there was a none-to-subtle "USA" vs "Russia" element that hung around it. The GiJoe comics gave Cobra a more American origin (making Cobra a domestic Terrorist organization led by a former salesman no less - how Postman). This proved to be somewhat more challenging to put on film, the producers and writers opting for "The Cobra Origin Story" instead of any concrete discussion of the Joes and their purpose (hint, in the 80s the Joes were formed to combat Cobra, or not, depending on who was at the reigns that day)
Which brings me back to my initial point, while reading this you've been thinking that here and there I've misinterpreted something about one of the cartoons or TV shows I've been talking about. Or more egregiously praised or condemned something that you feel was worthy of neither or both. Which is the crux of my previous piece on music and this as well. Appreciation of art or creative works is so subjective, one cannot hope to please a plurality of people without first rendering the subject so inoffensive or so bland so as to remove all unique qualities from it, unless of course the work itself IS unqiue. Remakes, by their very nature cannot be unique and instead must be reduced to their base elements in order to (if you will excuse the term) hit all the targets at once. Thus Transformers was "Names, Object labels and Basic story" and Gi-Joe is "The Origin of Cobra" and Masters of the Universe was "Set AFTER the cartoon when Skeletor has won" because faithful remakes are impossible and are avoided by the very people who make them.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Transformers was easy, at least GiJoe would be a challenge
I strongly disliked the Michael Bay "Transformers" movie. So much so that I didn't crack the DVD my Mother in Law got me for Xmas. It's sitting up on my Random Crap shelf with some tea lights and Mr. Skull. I hated the way the source material was just "character names, object labels and places" then the rest was just drek. G.i. Joe:Rise of Cobra may not be the Museum Quality reproduction of the source material that say "Sin City" was; but it's no Wing Commander (AND I LIKED WING COMMANDER).
They do in fact toss out "Yo, Joe!" on occasion, there is some fist pumping when "good things" happen for the "good guys". The Joes are pretty much and inoffensive, well-armed and proactive UN NATO strike team (mostly staffed and led by Americans). It loses the "American Hero" aspect but gains some credibility, in a "near future" world, post Iraq and Afghanistan, would NATO allow the Americans to concentrate and recruit the best and most quirky soldiers from their ranks? Probably not, but from a secret base in a Torture friendly nation, sure!
I'm going to try and dance around the movie a bit; as I want to encourage at least one other G.i. Joe fan to see it before the week is out. I'll break it down like this; if you liked the Original Mummy and don't mind a bunch of clunking dialog ("you said that knowing is half the battle") then this movie is for you. There's a couple of really great fight scenes, a great car chase and the "accelerator suits" give some of the best acrobatic run and gun sequences in the movie (they made it awesome, haters)
The concept of how Cobra is coming to "rise" is fairly believable; having the backing of the worlds largest arms manufacturer. No prizes for guessing his identity. I walked into the movie knowing who would turn out to be Cobra Commander; but I have to admit that the movie threw me a rope-a-dope on the big reveal, the only early Cobra character left out of this movie was "Major Bludd" who I guess we'll see in a later movie if this weekend goes well.
I'm struggling with how to portray this movie as a "good" movie without giving away the plot. Everything that was set up by the general consensus as "this too will suck" really didn't suck. It was charming. The plot is just a way to get from fight A to chase B and on to explosion C. There are thudding lines like "you and what army? My ARMY" cue giant vehicle and surrounding allies. It's hokey and obvious and that is why it is a positive thing.
This is a movie based upon an unabashed boys toy that was simply a series of flashy space-age weapons with ever-more outrageous features. This movie accurately captures that idea, super weapons and overpowered soldiers slamming into each other for goals that are outrageous; but not overtly national in their scope.
I strongly recommend this movie; if only for the spectacle and I promise no urine or genital jokes at all.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Harry Potter and the Half-Expected Ending
The Harry Potter Movies have been "growing up" along with my own Daughter, so as they get more complex and dark it's fine.
Hmmm, what to say? There were a couple moments that made me go "Ugh" especially when the a little girl is violently assaulted by an invisible "curse" then silently screamed in pain, obvious terrifying pain. Serious gut pummeling pain.
The Soap Opera parts were fine, kind of silly.
I have only two gripes.
1. For a good guy, Harry Potter is a dick. Serious Dick. His "enemy" is crying and sobbing in the bathroom and Harry busts out the "You're a dick and deserve your pain" rather than even attempting to rise above the level, not really a "good guy" move. That's really how Harry is always written, fairly nice to his friends and a complete dick to anyone he perceives as bad, without any consideration for looking deeper than his own notions.
2. The ending was abrupt, there was no lead up and no lead in, just boom boom dead.
I know it's leading to the next story, but with no on-screen examples of how Voldemort is bad (beyond one bridge and one kidnapping and a bit of Children of The Corn tomfoolery) we don't get the sense that Voldemort is anything more than a really murderous Elvis.
I'd have to say that I enjoyed the flick; but I'd recommend the book as a companion. Not having read it myself, I am writing this recommendation on faith from the actual fans I work with.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Caveat Emptor or Why Can't I get a refund for Bad Movies?
I take offense at this:
"Or self-indulgent netizens who believe it is their God-given right to get all the music, films etc. they can stuff into their hard disks without paying the creators a single penny"
Caveat Emptor applies in many purchases, but when a product is defective or doesn't deliver on it's promised function, consumers can often return the product or at least obtain credit for their purchase. This is true for most physical purchases, perhaps not all.
However, when one buys media (music, movies, games) you end up in a hinterland. Say I've bought "Plan 9 from outer space" not knowing that it is camp and expecting a classic space horror (I live in a cave or something) I can't return it to the store for a full refund. They won't let me. However, if I watch it online or download it I can know if the investment was worth the money.
You may not agree with this, but at least you can see the sense of it. I think I've seen the basic content nearly 90% of the DVDs I own before I even saw the disc. Sometimes in the theatre (I vowed to never purchase the Transformers Movie (the first M bay one after that) and sometimes via other means.
However; in the cases where I went to the theatre I'm out 20-50 dollars depending how many people come along and the theater; I can't recover that money in any way. It's not just a foolish investment, it's robbery. I was promised X amount of entertainment and instead I was bored or offended or even worse disgusted for X amount of time. I charge 60 dollars an hour for my wasted leisure time; where do I collect?
If groups like the RIAA can charge thousands of dollars for individually "stolen" songs, why can't consumers have similar protections? These protections were invented for the Producers; the Pirate Bay and their ilk are the market reaction to these protections.
What I'm driving at is if consumers had the ability to receive refunds for bad media; it would go a long way to changing the mindset of people who download movies and music and so on.
Popularity: unranked [?]
How I knew that in the end "Star Trek" wasn't a Nerd Flick
Somehow, all the familiar characters of the old show get themselves instantly put in charge of the bridge of the flagship of the Federation fleet. This does not compute.
--PZ Meyers
After reading an early review that expounded upon the majesty that was an utterly silent space battle I screwed my Nerd Protection Gear into place and went into the theatre expecting to be bored to death by the time the Chief Engineer explained that one could not simply go into Hyperspace and that the Kenetic and Inertial Dampners hadn't been properly calibrated for such a level of accelleration...
I nodded off while I wrote that.
So it wasn't that. Not at all. Which is great. I would have been really disappointed in an Action Movie that didn't make Nerds complain and whine about it's level of authenticity. It amazes me that when were are talking about a movie that takes place on space craft that move faster than light and shoot lasers we have to care about how realistic the plot is. Really?
The only complaint I thought of as the movie got into gear was that they missed the timing on the car going over the cliff, how did they even miss it? It's a digitial edit, just just adjust the scene to match it or swap the whole jump into slow motion, take your pick.
I have no complaints about the casting as a whole save for the constant Lip Pursing that Spock was doing; seriously, was that a Zoolander impression? All through the damn movie too. It paid off when it became clear that he was just getting ready to eat Uhura's head whole.
I'm not kidding.
Whole.
One Bite
He's out of his Vulcan Mind.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Oh God, they made the nerd Film
And suddenly – it is silent – but you’re seeing explosions and phaser fire and torpedoes ripping away at the ship – and it is silent – and the science GEEK in me died of happiness a bit.
Harry Knowles on why the new "Star Trek" will Fail
Popularity: 1% [?]
Boredom + Ennui equals TAKEDOWN
I hated Wall-E so much that when a Mefite posted a link to an old story about it; I found an equally old review and decided to take them down a peg:
The "good folks" over at Redstate.com loved Wall-E and posted a tortured set of reasons why Wall-E was all about the Reagan and the Guns:
1) The overthrow of fascist tyranny – The most direct conservative message in the movie is the uprising of the humans to throw off the chains of fascism. Humans on the Axiom have been subjugated to the soft fascism of the nanny state where the state provides all needs to all people, and they are all equal in their care. Everyone looks the same. Every gets the same food, clothes, media and activities. It is the perfect Marxist utopia, except for the French Revolution inspired construct of a ruling elite (Auto and his hench-robots) who have the ultimate freedom and authority to rule society and construct it to their ideal. Just because it is performed “for the good of the people” doesn’t make less of a tyranny. I’m sure Pol Pot’s forced march into the wilds of Cambodia was for the good of the people too.
Of course, when I think of Liberals, I think of Rigid social mores and Cool Uniforms. Or wait, do I think of Hippies? Yeah, the last thing. Also Fascism does not Equal Communism. These two things are not equal. I think they were trying to arge against authoritarianism; which I think is still a stretch, since there is really only one Authority and society as a whole (The land whales) were not down for it; they were just mindless consumers (like good Capitalists).
(Quick, examine that short Paragrah, did I say anything about a certain Austrian political figure? No, Give me a cookie!)
2) Failure of the Big Government social programs – We’ve had a lot of discussion of the anti-corporate message in the form of Big N Large. I contend that BNL is not a corporation, but a government. It represents the ultimate extension of the nationalized corporation as defined by Mussolini, and is a pretty close analogy to Great Society. In the end BNL has total worldwide societal control and all needs of the people are met by BNL’s “programs”. But just like the failure of the Great Society, BNL’s planned economy fails in a spectacular manner. Even the changes made to save humanity do not meet the promises. We see advertising, analogous to current PSAs, to take the Axiom on its 5 year cruise. But the promise of the Axiom is not met and we see the price of that failure early in movie when we see all the fat people on hover chairs. Just like the Great Society, once the liberal plan is put into motion, there is no option to change to a rational alternative. All that can be done is to maintain the status quo, without end. As a side note, the CEO of BNL makes all of his pronouncements from something that looks like the White House press room. This is reference to governmental power, not corporate power.
Simply stating that Wal-Mart , ahed, I mean BNL is not a Corporatation and then going on from there isn't reasoning; that like saying "I don't think the Green Goblin is a villan, so therefore Spider-Man is a menace!" good thinking there JJJ. So; yeah this whole section of the argument is out the door.
3) The effects of the Mainstream Media – Every human has a personal video feed that is used to pipe constant media brainwashing. We see the propaganda where they are all told that “Blue is the new red”. All of the mind numbed sheep dutifully go “oooohhh” and happily don the new color, while all continue to look identical. They dutifully do as they are told, including eating what they are told, until they have become an identical group of fat useless drains on the welfare state. A state which dutifully fills up the troughs for them to eat from. I found this theme to track with the current obesity problem in the welfare and food stamp programs.
I aggree; the mainstream media is a profit driven entity owned by large corporations who want money. How is this a Liberal thing. I get it; if you don't like it (it's Liberal) and if you like it (Like cool Stormtrooper uniforms) it's Conservative. Tell me again how Fascists and Commies are Liberals again?
4) Propagandizing the education system – There was one scene where we saw the fat little children being educated through the use of media propaganda. This removal of parents from the upbringing of the children falls in line with the current drive to push children into the public indoctrination system as early as possible. While it is only an aside, the next time you see the children is when they are in danger thanks to the callous disregard of the elites. In this case, the state doesn’t save them, it is the actions of Josh and Mary acting as pseudo parents that save their lives.
Again, I agree. Using the Education of the young to put forth an agenda is deplorable. Of course, when the truth is that agenda and you don't believe in it (like say Evolution and how the Mass Market is profit driven and not equitable...) wait what? Oh, my eduction by PepsiCo must have failed me again; no Pepsi for me tonight.
5) Triumph of individualism – Through accidental contact with the robots, Josh and Mary meet each other and begin a romance. We see one scene where the Lido deck is closed, and all of the hover chairs dutifully follow orders and head to the cabins. But Josh and Mary ignore the rules and stay in the pool. In another scene, we see Eve finally ignore the directive to deliver the plant to the bridge, and stay to help Wall-E when he is injured. Both of these short sequences demonstrate individuals standing up for self determination over the dictates of the state.
Wall-E is emulating something he saw in a Movie. If emulation is somehow being an individual, all those kids dressed as the Vampires from Twilight are downright rebels. Dumbass.
6) Elites fighting to maintain power – The Socialist concept of rulership by elites is often accompanied by the struggle to maintain power for the good of the people, even when the people are harmed in the process. It is all done for the good of society. Toward the end of the movie, we see Auto put the humans into danger by turning the ship and causing everyone to slide toward the walls (I promised I wouldn’t discuss the gravitational absurdity of this scene). Here the elite is trying to save humanity, but in the process is likely to kill a lot of humans. This parallels a common environmentalist desire of today to see a significant reduction in human population to save the planet.
What Elites? One Computer is "Elites" plural? Dumbshit can't even count now.
7) Individualism must be suppressed – In the movie, the robots save the day. But the robots that do this are the “misfit” robots that have been put into a “reeducation program” to get them to perform within the strict tolerances defined by the state as acceptable. Once Wall-E uses Eve’s “blaster” to open the doors, the misfit robots escape. Instead of being a danger to society as the state controlled media asserts, they instead help Wall-E and Eve save humanity.
The "Misfit" robots are dangerously malfunctioning devices used to maintain the ship; some of which were endangering the ship. By this reasoning, a clinically insane person who threaten kindergartens because "Obama is gunna take his guns" is a real conservative icon! Again, Fail! Or WIN! Depending on which end of the spectrum your type of Aspergers ends up on.
8) Superiority of the classics – This one is a bit of a stretch, but the continual use of a “classic” image of the movie Hello Dolly made me think of the fight against cultural corruption. Wall-E (and eventually Eve) pine for, and eventually show the triumph of, the classical values shown by that movie. They reject the cultural mores imposed by modern thought as expressed by their directives that they are expected to blindly follow.
Yes, like CLASSIC Warfare (Raping and Pillaging) and CLASSIC Marriage (dowries) and of course the old Conservative Favourite, the Classic Lifestyle of the Spartan Army.
9) In the end Humanity embraces truth and does the right thing – The captain finally decides to take the Axiom home. But his decision is based on truly knowing what they face. He learns that Earth isn’t the happy wonderful place that his movies are showing him. Instead he directly confronts the bleak reality of the world that Eve shows him. But despite the knowledge of the challenges that faces them, he rejects the easy stagnation of continued life on the Axiom, and returns to earth to build a new world. Once faced with the lies told to him by the state, he rejects the state and embraces the hard road of struggle for independence.
The "State" told him to keep looking for life at home and then when said life is found, GO HOME. Which is what happened.
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS SOMEHOW A LIE ON BEHALF OF THE STATE. THE FUCKING LARDWHALE CAPTAIN DID EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS TOLD TO DO BY A 500 YEAR OLD RECORDING. HOLY SHIT! THAT'S LIKE STONING SOMEONE BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAID TO DO IT.
Again, Wall-E sucks and this gave me an opportunity to relive some of the low-lights of this crap fest.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Review: "Knowing" it is a bad idea
This is going to be a very spoiler-heavy review; as I want to save you from seeing this one. I have enjoyed every Nic Cage movie that I've seen over the past decade; but I have to say, avoid "Knowing" until you can watch it for free or you are having a "bad movie" night.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Blade 3 was better than Blade 2 – IGN fails at WATCHING
I present the thing I'm pissed off at in total:
The third Blade movie is the poster child for how not to make a sequel. One would think it would be a no-brainer to pit Blade against Dracula in an ultimate showdown, that it would at the very least deliver on the promise and fun of the second film. But instead, we get a the equivalent of movie cancer – Blade plays supporting character to Nightstalkers Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; Dracula looks like a bouncer in need of a tan instead of the alpha/omega of suckheads and director David Goyer makes ineptitude an Olympic sport.
The movie is a fascinating failure, considering there isn't much to pulling off a Blade movie other than have Blade brood in between dusting vamps and looking cool while doing it. The goal of the suckfest was to provide a stepping stone for a Nightstalkers spin-off; in doing so, Blade became relegated to the background and his "death scene" came off about as compelling as Scott's in X3. Blade is a hero, he should die like one. And he should go out in a better vehicle than this crapfest. Avoid this one like the plague.
I've included a link to the authors of this suckfest (oh pun) so that I may remember them and heap nerd scorn upon their unworthy skulls.
Let me point out some of the problems here:
- Blade is alive at the end of the movie, I know it's a spoiler. However these morons failed to watch and listen to the damn movie.
- Ryan Reynolds is the fucking Man in this movie. "Hello, My name is Fuck you" C'mon.
- They really kill Whistler and don't have him come back from the dead like an asshole (unlike in Blade 2)
- Patton "Fucking" Oswalt is in this movie.
- The Villain is played by Parker Posey (Alt-Chick turned crazy ass vampire? Yes Please), Ryan Reynolds refers to the biggest she-bitch in the movie as "kitten" to her face; while being pummeled by Sabretooth (okay, I;m not 100% sure this is the same actor, but it looks like him)
- Patton Oswalt? Got that? Not doing punch-up off camera either, right there in the middle of the screen.
- Natasha Lyon doesn't play a junkie. Swish!
- The one REALLY WEAK moment in the movie (SERIOUSLY WEAK) is when Blade tells JB to "Use it" over her pain at Natasha Lyonne dying.
- Vampire Rotweilers
- Vampire Toy Poddles (Reaper Strain no less)
- Dracula kills a Suicide Girl reject in what appears to be Hot Topic. Nice!
Let me re-state the reason I'm pissed at Messers Pirello and Hainsworth, Blade is alive at the end of the flick (having been replaced by another Vampire before the cops showed up). If you are going to purport to review movies, you gotta either watch them to the end or at least check if your emphatically stated facts are even close to accurate.
Hey, did I mention the sub-plot where the government are aware of Blade and take part in taking him down? Neat!
What about the special anti-vampire weapons? Concentrated Sunlight in an arrowhead? Nice, Shooting arrows around corners, fuck yeah!
They then go on to bash on Back to the Future 3, the most beloved part of the series after number 1 (among normals, not bitter nerds) Bitter nerds love number 2 more (I'm with the nerds on this one)
However, if one was to layer the Blade movies in terms of entertainment, It goes Blade 1 (hard physical effects for the fights, cool vamps (donnal logue recognize!) Blade 3 (JB and RR + Patton OSwalt) then Blade 2 (Cartoon fights, c'mon!) I loved Blade 2 until I watched Blade 3 a second time.
Don't listen to these IGN assholes, Blade 3 is the shit, take a big whiff.
Popularity: 1% [?]
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The United States of Whatevs
Return to Halloweentown is a kids movie about a family of witches and their ongoing relationship with an alternate universe with rubbersuit monsters as the primary residents. Said Halloweentown residents sometimes cross over and have adventures in the "real" world. I know this because I have a sub-teen in my house and she watches these movies as if they are entertainment. I know that if it isn't Ernest Saves Hallowe'en it isn't a good kids Hallowe'en movie.
Popularity: unranked [?]