Review: Transporter 3 aka Freckles McGinger and Frank McGrump

At least at this distance you couldnt see the Freckles
At least at this distance you couldn’t see the Freckles

I’m a big fan of the Transporter movies, I got into the series on number 2, instead of the traditional Number one.  In Number two there was a “Girl With Problems” character who spent a good deal of the movie in soggy lingerie shooting twin machine pistols.  It was an Instant Classic.

The (crazily named) Megaton Boomstick directed this movie and expanded the “Girl with Problems” role into “Annoying Ukranian Freckle Face that we force Frank to fall for”

This did not derail the movie, but it made the whole “What means Talent and Looks?” jokes come fast and furious while we were watching.  I should also point out that freckles are cute, the femail lead appears to have skin somewhere between her freckles, but I’m sure that will clear up the next time she is under a good strong lightbulb.

I’m spending too much time on the Female lead; true.  I should be posting about the action, but the action is good, it’s rediculous and incredible, you’re assured that if Frank doesn’t pound the bad weasel into fine jelly the bad guy will get his anyway at the hands of Freckles McPouty’s daddy.  So why bother?

Bother because it is the next movie in the series and we need to get them to make at least one more before they hand off the franchise to Shia Lebouf or Lindsay Lohan or something.

See it because it’s another Transporter and you gotta admit it’s fun to watch an Audi drive like a Bugatti.

Review: Crossed Issue 2; now with more Soggy Cookies

Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows set the Rape and Murder by crazed Rednecks bar really high in Crossed #1.  I can safely state that issue two doesn’t add to the horror, instead it shows the keen, steely and purposeful levels of evil the “Crossed” can reach.  Speaking of the Crossed, here’s the birth of one:

Crossed 2 preview

Our uninfected are telling this story in anecdotal form, which means at least one of them is alive “in the future” I’m guessing either as one of the Crossed or it is the kid that has been tagging along all this time.   Giving a hopeful narrator with such bleak and (really) dark subject matter strikes me as an odd choice.  The Crossed tear one of their own apart and rape the severed foot/calf, with that kind of determined horror, it’s hard to imagine some form of hopeful anything save a quick death.

As for the crossed themselves. when they aren’t mutilating each other and raping men, women and children (and animals I’m sure) to death, they are “spreading the love” in an inventive and evil fashion, through the use of a variant Soggy Biscuit game.

I’ll leave that there for you to puzzle out on your own.

Overall verdict; read it if you are a fan of post-apocalyptic stories as well as “zombie” fiction, as the Crossed are the implacable but intelligent foe that Zombie fiction sometimes wants for.