Tag Archives: funny

How to find George Bush without a Map

#4 posted by Anonymous , February 12, 2009 11:27 AM

About a year ago my wife and I visited a Darwin exhibit at the Field museum in Chicago. She grew up in Northern Ireland and was educated in a Catholic school. Partway through the exhibit she started crying. She said she was never taught this stuff, didn’t really understand it until the exhibit, and felt stupid.

Less than 40% of US residents polled accept the existence of Evolution as a concept.  That would be startling if what was discussed was any other country; but the USA produced Paris Hilton, Carrot Top and Sarah Palin.I can accept anything that excoriates the general lack of intelligence that marks North American society as a whole.

It is no wonder Americans are perceived as loud morons who lack the simple ability to locate their rectum using a map and two hands.  Surely they would eat the map (once it was doused in cheese) and then proceed to lick their hands clean while denying the existence of said rectum.  Later; when it was explained that rectum meant “asshole” they would drive to Texas and locate George Bush’s house in a near savant-like trance.

If you're going to be funny…

Be as funny as this:

CITIZENS OF NORWAY! THIS IS DENMARK – THE KALMAR UNION HAS BEEN RESTORED – FROM THIS DAY FORWARD YOU ARE ALL DANISH CITIZENS – YOU WILL ALL SPEAK DANISH – YOU WILL PAY TAXES TO THE DANISH GOVERNMENT – ALL SKIING IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN – REPORT TO YOUR LOCAL COUNTY OFFICE FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS – THAT IS ALL – ALL HAIL DENMARK!

posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:25 PM on August 13 [1 favorite]

Attached to Goooooood Morning Norway!

What's on your Flag?

Shouts & Murmurs: The Symbols on My Flag (And What They Mean): Humor: The New Yorker

The skull and crossbones, in the lower right corner, stands for pirates, and all that they have given us.

The angel holding the sword represents how guns are nice but swords are more of a “heavenly” thing.

The plow with the four-leaf clover symbolizes the luck of the farmer.

The quicksand represents the travails of life. The hand sticking out of it is so you know it’s quicksand and not just a dirty spot on the flag.

The bat stands for eternal life, through our lord Dracula.

The sheaf of wheat symbolizes the bounty of the land, and the hope that soon more things will come in sheaves.

The parrot represents the need to communicate, even if it’s only squawks.

The tin of paprika stands for paprika, a spice I hope to learn more about.

The triskelion indicates that I know what a triskelion is.

The sun on the horizon makes you wonder, Is it rising or setting? And is it our sun or a weird invader sun? The five rays coming out of the sun symbolize the five times that I have had sex.

On my Flag You will find:

Megatron for all the joy that the Decepticon regime has brought to Cybertron
A Tetragrammaton as I think those odd symbols bear weight to flags, especially when they are secret names for Deities.
For color I will add a rainbow skull, in remembrance of the Rainbow Sprites. Only Rob Abel Messiah may understand the reference completely.
A complex looking series of guns and weapons, around the edges, chased by Cowboys and Indians.
A Manikin head and a trophy, for obvious reasons.
The Centerpiece being “The Internet” as an abstract, which means there will be a giant hole in the middle of my flag. If anyone asks, the hole is “The Internet” or “Ennui” no, maybe it’s “Heroism through Adversity“.

I’ll get back to you on the center.

What’s on your flag?

Actual Customer Feedback

Anonymous feedback given to me today:
I am disturbed to see that once again Mr. Wardrop is displaying the following status message on Yahoo messenger account:

“SR#, notes, cash?”

Mr. Wardrop’s abrasive, elitist attitude already makes him undesirable to work with. The (albeit humorous) insinuation that he should be reimbursed for having to actually do some work (something one rarely witnesses), in addition to being a grade 8 (he loves to remind us of his grade 8-ness), is extremely offensive.
Italics added by me

You know, anonymous feedback delivered the way this was is the same as giving feedback on a website. There is little one can do to cite the source. I have to question the whole statement, they seem to be offended that I am better than them and being reminded that I am better than them hurts them. Let me say it again, I AM better than you. Since when I have a problem with someone, I make it plain and tell THEM, not leave typewritten notes in mailboxes. I have to assume it was one of my direct co-workers, who would be the most likely to remember my near constant missives about how I am the King of the world. Yes, I am an obnoxious classist. I feel that I am smarter and more talented that a large portion of the population, in fact, I have been scientifically proven to be more intelligent that 70% of the population. That means that statistically speaking, there are 4,200,000,000 on the planet today that I am smarter than. That makes me proud. It should make you proud that you get to deal with someone who is so talented when you need help! Jared is smarter still, he is smarter than 5,000,000,000 people, can you imagine. If we instituted a purge based on intelligence, 5,000,000,000 people would die before Jared. The marked difference between Jared and I is that I want you to know how smart and special I am, and Jared wants desperately to be left alone.

So, my cowardly foil, I say put up or shut up, Come on down and tell me, or anyone else for that matter, how you feel or just seethe. I’m betting you’ll just seethe.

P.S.: So that you have something else to write about. I have a big head and an ego to go with it. Also, I recommend making fun of my weight and any grammar errors you find in this little missive.

Playing Now: nine inch nails kinda i want to
Update:  I bet they didn’t bring an SR# either!