Category Archives: Movies

How I knew that in the end "Star Trek" wasn't a Nerd Flick

Somehow, all the familiar characters of the old show get themselves instantly put in charge of the bridge of the flagship of the Federation fleet. This does not compute.

–PZ Meyers

After reading an early review that expounded upon the majesty that was an utterly silent space battle I screwed my Nerd Protection Gear into place and went into the theatre expecting to be bored to death by the time the Chief Engineer explained that one could not simply go into Hyperspace and that the Kenetic and Inertial Dampners hadn’t been properly calibrated for such a level of accelleration…

I nodded off while I wrote that.

So it wasn’t that.  Not at all.  Which is great.  I would have been really disappointed in an Action Movie that didn’t make Nerds complain and whine about it’s level of authenticity.  It amazes me that when were are talking about a movie that takes place on space craft that move faster than light and shoot lasers we have to care about how realistic the plot is.  Really?

The only complaint I thought of as the movie got into gear was that they missed the timing on the car going over the cliff, how did they even miss it?  It’s a digitial edit, just just adjust the scene to match it or swap the whole jump into slow motion, take your pick.

I have no complaints about the casting as a whole save for the constant Lip Pursing that Spock was doing; seriously, was that a Zoolander impression?  All through the damn movie too.  It paid off when it became clear that he was just getting ready to eat Uhura’s head whole.

I’m not kidding.

Whole.

One Bite

He’s out of his Vulcan Mind.

Boredom + Ennui equals TAKEDOWN

I hated Wall-E so much that when a Mefite posted a link to an old story about it; I found an equally old review and decided to take them down a peg:

The “good folks” over at Redstate.com loved Wall-E and posted a tortured set of reasons why Wall-E was all about the Reagan and the Guns:

1) The overthrow of fascist tyranny – The most direct conservative message in the movie is the uprising of the humans to throw off the chains of fascism. Humans on the Axiom have been subjugated to the soft fascism of the nanny state where the state provides all needs to all people, and they are all equal in their care. Everyone looks the same. Every gets the same food, clothes, media and activities. It is the perfect Marxist utopia, except for the French Revolution inspired construct of a ruling elite (Auto and his hench-robots) who have the ultimate freedom and authority to rule society and construct it to their ideal. Just because it is performed “for the good of the people” doesn’t make less of a tyranny. I’m sure Pol Pot’s forced march into the wilds of Cambodia was for the good of the people too.

Of course, when I think of Liberals, I think of Rigid social mores and Cool Uniforms.  Or wait, do I think of Hippies?  Yeah, the last thing.  Also Fascism does not Equal Communism.  These two things are not equal.  I think they were trying to arge against authoritarianism; which I think is still a stretch, since there is really only one Authority and society as a whole (The land whales) were not down for it; they were just mindless consumers (like good Capitalists).

(Quick, examine that short Paragrah, did I say anything about a certain Austrian political figure?  No, Give me a cookie!)

2) Failure of the Big Government social programs – We’ve had a lot of discussion of the anti-corporate message in the form of Big N Large. I contend that BNL is not a corporation, but a government. It represents the ultimate extension of the nationalized corporation as defined by Mussolini, and is a pretty close analogy to Great Society. In the end BNL has total worldwide societal control and all needs of the people are met by BNL’s “programs”. But just like the failure of the Great Society, BNL’s planned economy fails in a spectacular manner. Even the changes made to save humanity do not meet the promises. We see advertising, analogous to current PSAs, to take the Axiom on its 5 year cruise. But the promise of the Axiom is not met and we see the price of that failure early in movie when we see all the fat people on hover chairs. Just like the Great Society, once the liberal plan is put into motion, there is no option to change to a rational alternative. All that can be done is to maintain the status quo, without end. As a side note, the CEO of BNL makes all of his pronouncements from something that looks like the White House press room. This is reference to governmental power, not corporate power.

Simply stating that Wal-Mart , ahed, I mean BNL is not a Corporatation and then going on from there isn’t reasoning; that like saying “I don’t think the Green Goblin is a villan, so therefore Spider-Man is a menace!”  good thinking there JJJ.  So; yeah this whole section of the argument is out the door.

3) The effects of the Mainstream Media – Every human has a personal video feed that is used to pipe constant media brainwashing. We see the propaganda where they are all told that “Blue is the new red”. All of the mind numbed sheep dutifully go “oooohhh” and happily don the new color, while all continue to look identical. They dutifully do as they are told, including eating what they are told, until they have become an identical group of fat useless drains on the welfare state. A state which dutifully fills up the troughs for them to eat from. I found this theme to track with the current obesity problem in the welfare and food stamp programs.

I aggree; the mainstream media is a profit driven entity owned by large corporations who want money.  How is this a Liberal thing.  I get it; if you don’t like it (it’s Liberal) and if you like it (Like cool Stormtrooper uniforms) it’s Conservative.  Tell me again how Fascists and Commies are Liberals again?

4) Propagandizing the education system – There was one scene where we saw the fat little children being educated through the use of media propaganda. This removal of parents from the upbringing of the children falls in line with the current drive to push children into the public indoctrination system as early as possible. While it is only an aside, the next time you see the children is when they are in danger thanks to the callous disregard of the elites. In this case, the state doesn’t save them, it is the actions of Josh and Mary acting as pseudo parents that save their lives.

Again, I agree.  Using the Education of the young to put forth an agenda is deplorable.  Of course, when the truth is that agenda and you don’t believe in it (like say Evolution and how the Mass Market is profit driven and not equitable…)  wait what?  Oh, my eduction by PepsiCo must have failed me again; no Pepsi for me tonight.

5) Triumph of individualism – Through accidental contact with the robots, Josh and Mary meet each other and begin a romance. We see one scene where the Lido deck is closed, and all of the hover chairs dutifully follow orders and head to the cabins. But Josh and Mary ignore the rules and stay in the pool. In another scene, we see Eve finally ignore the directive to deliver the plant to the bridge, and stay to help Wall-E when he is injured. Both of these short sequences demonstrate individuals standing up for self determination over the dictates of the state.

Wall-E is emulating something he saw in a Movie.  If emulation is somehow being an individual, all those kids dressed as the Vampires from Twilight are downright rebels. Dumbass.

6) Elites fighting to maintain power – The Socialist concept of rulership by elites is often accompanied by the struggle to maintain power for the good of the people, even when the people are harmed in the process. It is all done for the good of society. Toward the end of the movie, we see Auto put the humans into danger by turning the ship and causing everyone to slide toward the walls (I promised I wouldn’t discuss the gravitational absurdity of this scene). Here the elite is trying to save humanity, but in the process is likely to kill a lot of humans. This parallels a common environmentalist desire of today to see a significant reduction in human population to save the planet.

What Elites?  One Computer is “Elites” plural?  Dumbshit can’t even count now.

7) Individualism must be suppressed – In the movie, the robots save the day. But the robots that do this are the “misfit” robots that have been put into a “reeducation program” to get them to perform within the strict tolerances defined by the state as acceptable. Once Wall-E uses Eve’s “blaster” to open the doors, the misfit robots escape. Instead of being a danger to society as the state controlled media asserts, they instead help Wall-E and Eve save humanity.

The “Misfit” robots are dangerously malfunctioning devices used to maintain the ship; some of which were endangering the ship.  By this reasoning,  a clinically insane person who threaten kindergartens because “Obama is gunna take his guns” is a real conservative icon!  Again,  Fail! Or WIN! Depending on which end of the spectrum your type of Aspergers ends up on.

8) Superiority of the classics – This one is a bit of a stretch, but the continual use of a “classic” image of the movie Hello Dolly made me think of the fight against cultural corruption. Wall-E (and eventually Eve) pine for, and eventually show the triumph of, the classical values shown by that movie. They reject the cultural mores imposed by modern thought as expressed by their directives that they are expected to blindly follow.

Yes, like CLASSIC Warfare (Raping and Pillaging) and CLASSIC Marriage (dowries) and of course the old Conservative Favourite, the Classic Lifestyle of the Spartan Army.

9) In the end Humanity embraces truth and does the right thing – The captain finally decides to take the Axiom home. But his decision is based on truly knowing what they face. He learns that Earth isn’t the happy wonderful place that his movies are showing him. Instead he directly confronts the bleak reality of the world that Eve shows him. But despite the knowledge of the challenges that faces them, he rejects the easy stagnation of continued life on the Axiom, and returns to earth to build a new world. Once faced with the lies told to him by the state, he rejects the state and embraces the hard road of struggle for independence.

The “State” told him to keep looking for life at home and then when said life is found, GO HOME.  Which is what happened.

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS SOMEHOW A LIE ON BEHALF OF THE STATE.  THE FUCKING LARDWHALE CAPTAIN DID EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS TOLD TO DO BY A 500 YEAR OLD RECORDING.  HOLY SHIT!  THAT’S LIKE STONING SOMEONE BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAID TO DO IT.

Again, Wall-E sucks and this gave me an opportunity to relive some of the low-lights of this crap fest.

Blade 3 was better than Blade 2 – IGN fails at WATCHING

I present the thing I’m pissed off at in total:

The third Blade movie is the poster child for how not to make a sequel. One would think it would be a no-brainer to pit Blade against Dracula in an ultimate showdown, that it would at the very least deliver on the promise and fun of the second film. But instead, we get a the equivalent of movie cancer – Blade plays supporting character to Nightstalkers Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; Dracula looks like a bouncer in need of a tan instead of the alpha/omega of suckheads and director David Goyer makes ineptitude an Olympic sport.

The movie is a fascinating failure, considering there isn’t much to pulling off a Blade movie other than have Blade brood in between dusting vamps and looking cool while doing it. The goal of the suckfest was to provide a stepping stone for a Nightstalkers spin-off; in doing so, Blade became relegated to the background and his “death scene” came off about as compelling as Scott’s in X3. Blade is a hero, he should die like one. And he should go out in a better vehicle than this crapfest. Avoid this one like the plague.

by Phil Pirrello & Jay Hainsworth

I’ve included a link to the authors of this suckfest (oh pun) so that I may remember them and heap nerd scorn upon their unworthy skulls.

Let me point out some of the problems here:

  1. Blade is alive at the end of the movie, I know it’s a spoiler.  However these morons failed to watch and listen to the damn movie.
  2. Ryan Reynolds is the fucking Man in this movie.  “Hello, My name is Fuck you”  C’mon.
  3. They really kill Whistler and don’t have him come back from the dead like an asshole (unlike in Blade 2)
  4. Patton “Fucking” Oswalt is in this movie.
  5. The Villain is played by Parker Posey (Alt-Chick turned crazy ass vampire?  Yes Please), Ryan Reynolds refers to the biggest she-bitch in the movie as “kitten” to her face; while being pummeled by Sabretooth (okay, I;m not 100% sure this is the same actor, but it looks like him)
  6. Patton Oswalt?  Got that?  Not doing punch-up off camera either, right there in the middle of the screen.
  7. Natasha Lyon doesn’t play a junkie.  Swish!
  8. The one REALLY WEAK moment in the movie (SERIOUSLY WEAK) is when Blade tells JB to “Use it” over her pain at Natasha Lyonne dying.
  9. Vampire Rotweilers
  10. Vampire Toy Poddles (Reaper Strain no less)
  11. Dracula kills a Suicide Girl reject in what appears to be Hot Topic.  Nice!

Let me re-state the reason I’m pissed at Messers Pirello and Hainsworth, Blade is alive at the end of the flick (having been replaced by another Vampire before the cops showed up).  If you are going to purport to review movies, you gotta either watch them to the end or at least check if your emphatically stated facts are even close to accurate.

Hey, did I mention the sub-plot where the government are aware of Blade and take part in taking him down?  Neat!

What about the special anti-vampire weapons?  Concentrated Sunlight in an arrowhead?  Nice, Shooting arrows around corners, fuck yeah!

They then go on to bash on Back to the Future 3, the most beloved part of the series after number 1 (among normals, not bitter nerds)  Bitter nerds love number 2 more (I’m with the nerds on this one)

However, if one was to layer the Blade movies in terms of entertainment, It goes Blade 1 (hard physical effects for the fights, cool vamps (donnal logue recognize!) Blade 3 (JB and RR + Patton OSwalt) then Blade 2 (Cartoon fights, c’mon!)  I loved Blade 2 until I watched Blade 3 a second time.

Don’t listen to these IGN assholes, Blade 3 is the shit, take a big whiff.

The Theatre Going Experience is better without you

Whenever there is a discussion about movies and or theaters; there will always be a posting like this:

Darksoul:

Theaters are over rated, for $4.99 I can watch any new released movie in HD on in demand and they always release on demand on the same day as the dvd releases. And the funny part is because I have bought movies from them all the time threw on demand Cox gives me like two bucks off so I only really pay $2.99. So what would I rather do sit at a theater listen to people talk on their cell phones and hear kids crying or people eating pop corn or sit in my living room in my recliner.?

Seriously they should just release movies right off for renting.

imronburgandy83:

Amen, movies are way too expensive now. My screen at home is way better anyways. Why pay $10+ to watch standard definition movies with annoying people?

Or These:

I am not going to theaters, nor buying full-priced DVD’s for my movie enjoyment, mostly because 90% of movies are lousy anyway.

spritomspritom
It does seem like we’ve been in a rut for a few months on movie quality.

666300666300
Legitimate dvd’s should cost like $5 then i would gladly buy whatever movie i wanted to watch.
$20- $25 is way too much and movies these days make millions of dollars in profit anyways.

howcansheslaphowcansheslap
Are the really lousy? Or do you just have different taste then other people?

kingatrockkingatrock
check rottentomatoes.com the majority are LOUSY.

AmazingSteveAmazingSteve
No they’re lousy. I used to take in 3, sometimes 4 movies a week up until 10 or 12 years ago when we REALLY started getting bombarded with absolute shite from Hollywood.

comfort1872comfort1872
I know! The movies these days are SO bad that I will only watch them for free! THAT is how bad they are! Just terrible! THAT is why I pirate! Because I only pirate crappy movies!

CuchanuCuchanu

You obviously haven’t seen Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.

kinseyincanadakinseyincanada

yet you will still pirate most movies. Just because something is shitty doesnt mean you deserve to get it for free.

The movie theater near me that I affectionatly refer to as the local “Dirt Theater” has 8 screens, all of which are taller and wider than my home, a three story 3 bedroom with full basement and all the mod cons one would love.  Each screen is accompanied by loveseat style thatre seats that allow one to get cozy and large accomodating aisles that (for the most part) leave you miles from the people ahead and behind you.  This is the “Dirt” theatre.  As in the crappiest one nearby.   It is 1-million times better than the 52 inch LCD HD tv that my sister-in-law sports and better still than the 62-inch projection deal my more affluent friends have going.  The screen in the cheapest theatre around me (gives you free tickets if you go to a week day showing, when no KIDS OR LOUD ASSHOLES ARE THERE) has excellent popcorn and snacks and an amazing digital sound system that immerses one in the movie.  On top of that you can see the movie with 20-40 of your friends or co-workers and no one is forced to sit on the ground or anything.

How watching a movie at home alone is superior to this experience I will never know.

All of  that aside, if your aspergers has become so pronounced that you cannot stand the idea of enjoying a social event like a big movie premiere, I understand.  I mean, you are backward and socially withdrawn and you hate crowds, I get it.  Sure.

However, the “Movies Suck Now” argument is SO disinginuous, one hardly has the blood in one’s brain to even take the time to comment on it.

It would seem that people look at the movies of yesteryear as some kind of geneology that led somehow to a generation of subnormals that communicate only in grunts.

These are the top grossing movies of 1995 (14 years ago)

191,773,049 Toy Story (1995)
183,997,904 Batman Forever (1995)
141,600,000 Pocahontas (1995)
108,344,348 Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)
100,475,249 Jumanji (1995)
100,328,194 Casper (1995)
100,125,000 Se7en (1995)
100,003,359 Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995)
99,929,196 GoldenEye (1995)
91,400,000 Crimson Tide (1995)

Which of these Opus’ to the human condition was somehow better than say “Taken” or “[Rec]” or “The Dark Knight”  okay se7en was a masterpiece.  The rest, mass culture drek, enjoyable films, but not exactly hard eyed examinations of the human condition or a means to excel the art of film itself.

Twelve Years Ago:

600,779,824 Titanic (1997)
250,147,615 Men in Black (1997)
229,074,524 The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
181,395,380 Liar Liar (1997)
172,620,724 Air Force One (1997)
147,637,474 As Good as It Gets (1997)
138,339,411 Good Will Hunting (1997)
126,805,112 My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997)
125,332,007 Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
112,225,777 Face/Off (1997)

One Non-Hollywood movie and the one Bond Movie… (same as 1995)

1987

167,780,960 3 Men and a Baby (1987)
156,645,693 Fatal Attraction (1987)
153,665,000 Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
123,922,370 Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)
80,640,528 Moonstruck (1987)
76,270,454 The Untouchables (1987)
66,995,879 The Secret of My Succe$s (1987)
65,207,127 Lethal Weapon (1987)
63,952,836 Dirty Dancing (1987)
63,766,510 The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

The Top Grossing movie from 1987 starred three aging men cooing over a baby girl (and may have starred a ghost!!!), hey look, two Cher movies too.

Popular movies will always be drek and pap.  That’s why they are popular, they hit that good middle of the road where people above and below the line of average intelligence can see them.  Sometimes the under the line’r folks just go ro more movies…

Uh.

Subnormals watch a large number of movies.

Shoot, I’m digging a hole here.

Anyway, 1977

460,935,665 Star Wars (1977)
102,000,000 The Goodbye Girl (1977)
50,800,000 A Bridge Too Far (1977)
38,251,425 Annie Hall (1977)
31,063,038 High Anxiety (1977)
28,000,000 Slap Shot (1977)
28,000,000 Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977)
26,414,658 The Gauntlet (1977)
25,850,802 Saturday Night Fever (1977)
24,652,021 The Other Side of Midnight (1977)

There is a Herbie movie in there.  Slap Shot, while considered a classic is hardly a pinnace of movie making.  The less critically said about Star Wars, the better.

Are we seeing a pattern here?  Mass Market movies will always “suck” in the eyes of overly critical assholes; they were never worth the 10cents movies cost when their Grandparents went to see them:

1957

33,300,000 The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
26,300,000 Sayonara (1957)
25,600,000 Peyton Place (1957)
11,750,000 Gunfight at the O.K. Corral (1957)
11,000,000 A Farewell to Arms (1957)
10,000,000 Bayou (1957)
8,750,000 The Pride and the Passion (1957)
8,000,000 Island in the Sun (1957)
7,000,000 The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
4,000,000 Jailhouse Rock (1957)

That is an Elvis movie there and a Frankenstein Movie.

And may never be worth the money in the future either.

And just so I can make my point, you thought the MAtrix Sequels sucked, huh?

377,027,325 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
339,714,367 Finding Nemo (2003)
305,388,685 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
281,492,479 The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
242,589,580 Bruce Almighty (2003)
214,948,780 X2 (2003)
173,381,405 Elf (2003)
150,350,192 Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
139,259,759 The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
138,614,544 Cheaper by the Dozen (2003)

Yeah, the movie going public didn’t think the same thing as you.

My favourite movie in the past decade (real movie, not action movie) was Garden State, I loved it.  It was not in the top ten movies of 2004, not by a long shot.  That doesn’t give me the authority to turn around and say “all movies are crap!” And your taste not matching up with the general public doesn’t validate your qualitative description either.

So, to conclude, the movie going experience is better without all the people who don’t like the social aspect of the theaters; who complain about the prices and the crowds.  The theater is better without the people who prefer to watch it on the Television over the Big Screen.  In short, I enjoy the movies better without you.

Review: Outlander

The Power of Christ Compels You!
The Power of Christ Compels You!

Outlander

Aliens and Vikings vs Super Alien Predator!

During the reign of the Vikings, Kainan (Caviezel), a man from a far-off world, crash lands on Earth, bringing with him an alien predator known as the Moorwen. Though both man and monster are seeking revenge for violence committed against them, Kainan leads the alliance to kill the Moorwen by fusing his advanced technology with the Viking’s Iron Age weaponry

My rating: 4.5 stars
****1/2

I wasn’t too sure how this would come out; I’d been reading about the impending “Aliens Vs Vikings” movie since before I left the States and was equal parts excited about the concept and concerned that I’d be handed another Pathfinder.  I’m very glad to say that no, Outlander is not pointless and stupid.  It’s not some kind of action opus (the actors are WAY TOO PRETTY) for that.

Kainan the Hunter!
Kainan the Hunter!

This was actually something that annoyed me, Caviezel and his rival Wulfric (Jack Huston) are two of the prettiest “hardend soldiers” that have ever walked the earth, with nary a scar or mussed hair to distract from their guylinered eyes.  Even after being sorely beated, Caviezel’s character never really shows the damage one would expect; as if the director was telling the crew “you keep those boys clean, who want’s to see an action hero all beat up and dirty?”

Otherwise the action is great, happens mostly in the dark with no clear view of it, but it’s still fine.  I didn’t get too bored during it and while the plot is as complex as “Dick and Jane are illiterate mutes”  it’s not so boneheaded that I wanted to just quit the movie.   I recommend this movie for a pizza and beer group watch or a lazy sunday type movie.

See, action!
See, action!

Review: Transporter 3 aka Freckles McGinger and Frank McGrump

At least at this distance you couldnt see the Freckles
At least at this distance you couldn’t see the Freckles

I’m a big fan of the Transporter movies, I got into the series on number 2, instead of the traditional Number one.  In Number two there was a “Girl With Problems” character who spent a good deal of the movie in soggy lingerie shooting twin machine pistols.  It was an Instant Classic.

The (crazily named) Megaton Boomstick directed this movie and expanded the “Girl with Problems” role into “Annoying Ukranian Freckle Face that we force Frank to fall for”

This did not derail the movie, but it made the whole “What means Talent and Looks?” jokes come fast and furious while we were watching.  I should also point out that freckles are cute, the femail lead appears to have skin somewhere between her freckles, but I’m sure that will clear up the next time she is under a good strong lightbulb.

I’m spending too much time on the Female lead; true.  I should be posting about the action, but the action is good, it’s rediculous and incredible, you’re assured that if Frank doesn’t pound the bad weasel into fine jelly the bad guy will get his anyway at the hands of Freckles McPouty’s daddy.  So why bother?

Bother because it is the next movie in the series and we need to get them to make at least one more before they hand off the franchise to Shia Lebouf or Lindsay Lohan or something.

See it because it’s another Transporter and you gotta admit it’s fun to watch an Audi drive like a Bugatti.