I caught this article by Matt Taibbi on Smirking Chimp. I had trouble getting onto the site to read it, so when I did get on, I saved a copy here. Please visit the original site and help pay their bills!
Jacen Burrows and Garth Ennis set things up for us so well, Global Disaster, murderously horny Rednecks and a rag-tag group of people trying (I guess) to get to Alaska ( if they don’t believe that Alaskans wouldn’t gleefully join in on the Crossed-in-Blood rape and killing spree, they haven’t see Levi’s myspace page). Our survivors have murdered children (as punishment for cannibalism) and apparently killed any number of psycho rednecks. They have survived fallout from nuclear explosions and let’s face it the exploding poulations of aggrsive, meat hungry carnivores that have no-doubt set to reproducing in Noahesque numbers.
The Crossed appear to be cannibals, so they’re not hunting.
Anyway, at least issue four has our heroes moving in a direction rather than sort of just hanging around shooting kindergartners.
They have come to this:
The Crossed are using their victims for sport.
They get entertainment from the following, Rape, killing, dismemberment and apparently survivor style closed-room brawls. The crossed are MMA fans of a particularly cruel stripe it appears.
This issue filled me with two emotions, dread (because it appears that the Crossed have among them the gleeful sadists that appear in all post-apocalyptic ficiton) and dread because this sets up a plot line that feels unnecessary. The whole world is out to get our heroes (who I remind you will survive as this is being told in past tense) why set up Horsecock like this?
One point, at least the male lead isn’t bedding random women throughout, please applaud Mr. Ennis for skipping this pointless trope of PA fiction!
This is going to be a very spoiler-heavy review; as I want to save you from seeing this one. I have enjoyed every Nic Cage movie that I’ve seen over the past decade; but I have to say, avoid “Knowing” until you can watch it for free or you are having a “bad movie” night.
- Dear lost writers, “take this to the next level” didn’t enter common usage until the mid-80s to 90s…. a mid 70s nerd wouldn’t use it #
- Total Communist, huh? http://tinyurl.com/cxj7zu #
- Crossed 4 was good, review to come laters… when I have cropped out some pictures #
- It’s a woot-off if you didn’t already know #
- Argh, it’s HOT! #
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I present the thing I’m pissed off at in total:
The third Blade movie is the poster child for how not to make a sequel. One would think it would be a no-brainer to pit Blade against Dracula in an ultimate showdown, that it would at the very least deliver on the promise and fun of the second film. But instead, we get a the equivalent of movie cancer – Blade plays supporting character to Nightstalkers Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; Dracula looks like a bouncer in need of a tan instead of the alpha/omega of suckheads and director David Goyer makes ineptitude an Olympic sport.
The movie is a fascinating failure, considering there isn’t much to pulling off a Blade movie other than have Blade brood in between dusting vamps and looking cool while doing it. The goal of the suckfest was to provide a stepping stone for a Nightstalkers spin-off; in doing so, Blade became relegated to the background and his “death scene” came off about as compelling as Scott’s in X3. Blade is a hero, he should die like one. And he should go out in a better vehicle than this crapfest. Avoid this one like the plague.
I’ve included a link to the authors of this suckfest (oh pun) so that I may remember them and heap nerd scorn upon their unworthy skulls.
Let me point out some of the problems here:
- Blade is alive at the end of the movie, I know it’s a spoiler. However these morons failed to watch and listen to the damn movie.
- Ryan Reynolds is the fucking Man in this movie. “Hello, My name is Fuck you” C’mon.
- They really kill Whistler and don’t have him come back from the dead like an asshole (unlike in Blade 2)
- Patton “Fucking” Oswalt is in this movie.
- The Villain is played by Parker Posey (Alt-Chick turned crazy ass vampire? Yes Please), Ryan Reynolds refers to the biggest she-bitch in the movie as “kitten” to her face; while being pummeled by Sabretooth (okay, I;m not 100% sure this is the same actor, but it looks like him)
- Patton Oswalt? Got that? Not doing punch-up off camera either, right there in the middle of the screen.
- Natasha Lyon doesn’t play a junkie. Swish!
- The one REALLY WEAK moment in the movie (SERIOUSLY WEAK) is when Blade tells JB to “Use it” over her pain at Natasha Lyonne dying.
- Vampire Rotweilers
- Vampire Toy Poddles (Reaper Strain no less)
- Dracula kills a Suicide Girl reject in what appears to be Hot Topic. Nice!
Let me re-state the reason I’m pissed at Messers Pirello and Hainsworth, Blade is alive at the end of the flick (having been replaced by another Vampire before the cops showed up). If you are going to purport to review movies, you gotta either watch them to the end or at least check if your emphatically stated facts are even close to accurate.
Hey, did I mention the sub-plot where the government are aware of Blade and take part in taking him down? Neat!
What about the special anti-vampire weapons? Concentrated Sunlight in an arrowhead? Nice, Shooting arrows around corners, fuck yeah!
They then go on to bash on Back to the Future 3, the most beloved part of the series after number 1 (among normals, not bitter nerds) Bitter nerds love number 2 more (I’m with the nerds on this one)
However, if one was to layer the Blade movies in terms of entertainment, It goes Blade 1 (hard physical effects for the fights, cool vamps (donnal logue recognize!) Blade 3 (JB and RR + Patton OSwalt) then Blade 2 (Cartoon fights, c’mon!) I loved Blade 2 until I watched Blade 3 a second time.
Don’t listen to these IGN assholes, Blade 3 is the shit, take a big whiff.
- Benefit of being at home during the day: Mister Domo is on sometimes. #
- Dear USA; Women can go topless in Ontario. This did not bring about mass hysteria or rape. Neither did Gay Marriage, signed Uncle Canada #
- See this before viacom takes it down! #
- oops, See this http://tinyurl.com/cemcz8 before viacom takes it down! #
- I agree BSG is total crap http://tinyurl.com/c5wjvj #
- The best thing ever happens today, I get to home before I turn into a pumpkin! #
- http://tinyurl.com/buwbn7 #
- DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN http://tinyurl.com/buwbn7 #
- WTF Rogers, traffic shaping me when skype is on? What next? Slowing things down when I watch TV on the CTV streaming site? #
- Why is Rogers shaping my traffic when my wife uses skype? #
- OKay London, I need at least 500KB a second, Rogers is shaping me down to zero if I even think abut BT and 110K if I skype… what now? #
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