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Category: Movies

Transformers was easy, at least GiJoe would be a challenge

I strongly disliked the Michael Bay “Transformers” movie.  So much so that I didn’t crack the DVD my Mother in Law got me for Xmas.   It’s sitting up on my Random Crap shelf with some tea lights and Mr. Skull.  I hated the way the source material was just “character names, object labels and places” then the rest was just drek.  G.i. Joe:Rise of Cobra may not be the Museum Quality reproduction of the source material that say “Sin City” was; but it’s no Wing Commander (AND I LIKED WING COMMANDER).

They do in fact toss out “Yo, Joe!” on occasion, there is some fist pumping when “good things” happen for the “good guys”.  The Joes are pretty much and inoffensive, well-armed and proactive UN NATO strike team (mostly staffed and led by Americans).  It loses the “American Hero” aspect but gains some credibility, in a “near future” world, post Iraq and Afghanistan, would NATO allow the Americans to concentrate and recruit the best and most quirky soldiers from their ranks?  Probably not, but from a secret base in a Torture friendly nation, sure!

I’m going to try and dance around the movie a bit; as I want to encourage at least one other G.i. Joe fan to see it before the week is out.  I’ll break it down like this; if you liked the Original Mummy and don’t mind a bunch of clunking dialog (“you said that knowing is half the battle”) then this movie is for you.  There’s a couple of really great fight scenes, a great car chase and the “accelerator suits” give some of the best acrobatic run and gun sequences in the movie (they made it awesome, haters)

The concept of how Cobra is coming to “rise” is fairly believable; having the backing of the worlds largest arms manufacturer.  No prizes for guessing his identity.  I walked into the movie knowing who would turn out to be Cobra Commander; but I have to admit that the movie threw me a rope-a-dope on the big reveal, the only early Cobra character left out of this movie was “Major Bludd” who I guess we’ll see in a later movie if this weekend goes well.

I’m struggling with how to portray this movie as a “good” movie without giving away the plot.  Everything that was set up by the general consensus as “this too will suck” really didn’t suck.  It was charming.  The plot is just a way to get from fight A to chase B and on to explosion C.  There are thudding lines like “you and what army?  My ARMY” cue giant vehicle and surrounding allies.   It’s hokey and obvious and that is why it is a positive thing.

This is a movie based upon an unabashed boys toy that was simply a series of flashy space-age weapons with ever-more outrageous features.  This movie accurately captures that idea, super weapons and overpowered soldiers slamming into each other for goals that are outrageous; but not overtly national in their scope.

I strongly recommend this movie; if only for the spectacle and I promise no urine or genital jokes at all.

If I was making a Modern Highschool Romantic Comedy…

I finally turned on the Genius Bar to make some playlists this weekend, it took ages to scan and can my collection; but in the end I was happy with the playlists it was creating based upon songs I picked in my library.  Driving home listening to one of these lists I wondered, if Wes Anderson had the Genius Bar, how would his soundtracks look?  Would Zach Braff’s “Garden State” sound the same?

Then I meandered away to; what if I was using the Genius Bar to make a movie soundtrack?  What would the movie be about?  I thought about it a bit and decided that I would like to see a movie where a Nerd Girl falls in love with the cool Librarian at her school, he’s a student and a nerd.  However; they are both ugly as boots and ostracized by the school population as a whole.  The only problem is that the guy, Library Boy (Aaron) has become so twisted that he is a total misanthrope and unlike Christan Slater in Heathers, isn’t cool and self-assured along with it.  Both of them are clumsy and awkward, but only Nerd Girl (Jilly) is capable of normal human interaction, Aaron having long given up on people.

Jilly tries to get Aaron to interact with her; taking on his interests (the ones she can figure out) and reaching out to him through his younger sister (who is almost as odd and withdrawn as Aaron, but not so much that she doesn’t appreciate a friendly person).  Through perseverance and understanding Jilly convinces Aaron to come to her house and just hang out.  While watching TV on the couch he leans over and kisses her, music swells its “Let Go” by Frou Frou, he breaks off the kiss says “There, are you satisfied?” and turns back to the TV.

Jilly settles back for a bit and considers the matter, ugly or not she has a great personality and she doesn’t need to settle or fix this kid.  She tells him that she’s had enough and asks him to leave, he says “fine” and takes off home.   Jilly gets off the couch, calls a girlfriend and they make plans for the nearest ComicCon,  Jilly meets a nice Pokemon cosplayer named Janice they hit it off, at the end of the ‘Con Janice takes off her cosplay head, they kiss “Let the Drummer Kick” by citizen cope plays over the camera pull away as Jilly narrates Aaron’s total withdrawal from society and her own happiness with Janice.  “You can’t predict when love is gonna drop on your head, but when it does don’t  jsut let is bounce off you thick skull. Okay?”

The whole movie is narrated by Aaron’s younger sister and she narrates Jilly watching Aaron during the opening with:”You can’t predict when love is gonna drop on your head; and sometimes when it does you need to just cover up and run away. Okay?”

So Here is the playlist the Genius Bar made around “Let Go” by Frou Frou.  Obviously not all these songs would end up in the movie; but couldn’t you see My Moon is My Man playing over a long “girl staring at guy” scene, maybe a montage of girls and guys staring at each other around differing settings?  Maybe “Le Disko” playing over the Comic Con?

I think the Genius Bar did a fairly Good Job here, Wes Anderson: your muse.

Let Go Frou Frou
Goodnight and Go Imogen Heap
Look What Youve Done Jet
Fallen Sarah McLachlan
Memory Sugarcult
My Moon My Man Feist
Ocean Breathes Salty Modest Mouse
New Slang The Shins
Time Is Running Out Muse
Le Disko Shiny Toy Guns
chocolate Snow Patrol
Breathe In Frou Frou
Headlock Imogen Heap
Don’t Panic Coldplay
Canned Heat Jamiroquai
Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn Hellogoodbye
An Honest Mistake The Bravery
dashboard modest mouse
Open Your Eyes Snow Patrol
Let The Drummer Kick Citizen Cope
Swing Life Away Rise Against
Everything You Want Vertical Horizon
Mushaboom Feist
Just A Ride Jem
Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Red Band Trailer for Jennifer's Body

I liked Juno and think that Diablo Cody is a talented screenwriter (A la Kevin Smith); so I’m not about to let the negative connotations that some reviewers hold for Ms. Cody’s work turn me away from her new Horror Flick.

[media id=4 width=320 height=240]

Never mind that Meghan Fox stars as a Demon Possessed High School Teenager, never mind the “clever” dialogue (“They’re boys” Please.) It still looks like a fun horror move, certainly better than the clunkeriffic “Unborn”

Let’s face it, it’s bound to be better than “Transformers”

If that isn’t to your liking, maybe you’d prefer “Orphan”

How I knew that in the end "Star Trek" wasn't a Nerd Flick

Somehow, all the familiar characters of the old show get themselves instantly put in charge of the bridge of the flagship of the Federation fleet. This does not compute.

–PZ Meyers

After reading an early review that expounded upon the majesty that was an utterly silent space battle I screwed my Nerd Protection Gear into place and went into the theatre expecting to be bored to death by the time the Chief Engineer explained that one could not simply go into Hyperspace and that the Kenetic and Inertial Dampners hadn’t been properly calibrated for such a level of accelleration…

I nodded off while I wrote that.

So it wasn’t that.  Not at all.  Which is great.  I would have been really disappointed in an Action Movie that didn’t make Nerds complain and whine about it’s level of authenticity.  It amazes me that when were are talking about a movie that takes place on space craft that move faster than light and shoot lasers we have to care about how realistic the plot is.  Really?

The only complaint I thought of as the movie got into gear was that they missed the timing on the car going over the cliff, how did they even miss it?  It’s a digitial edit, just just adjust the scene to match it or swap the whole jump into slow motion, take your pick.

I have no complaints about the casting as a whole save for the constant Lip Pursing that Spock was doing; seriously, was that a Zoolander impression?  All through the damn movie too.  It paid off when it became clear that he was just getting ready to eat Uhura’s head whole.

I’m not kidding.


One Bite

He’s out of his Vulcan Mind.

Nothing Can Kill Chev Chelios

nothingkillschevvieRight-Click and Choose Save As: HERE

Finally got to see Crank High Voltage.  This unrecognizable mess is Statham in heavy makeup on fire, proving nothing can kill his Hitman-Superman.  I’ll have to sit down and compose a proper review someday soon.

Boredom + Ennui equals TAKEDOWN

I hated Wall-E so much that when a Mefite posted a link to an old story about it; I found an equally old review and decided to take them down a peg:

The “good folks” over at loved Wall-E and posted a tortured set of reasons why Wall-E was all about the Reagan and the Guns:

1) The overthrow of fascist tyranny – The most direct conservative message in the movie is the uprising of the humans to throw off the chains of fascism. Humans on the Axiom have been subjugated to the soft fascism of the nanny state where the state provides all needs to all people, and they are all equal in their care. Everyone looks the same. Every gets the same food, clothes, media and activities. It is the perfect Marxist utopia, except for the French Revolution inspired construct of a ruling elite (Auto and his hench-robots) who have the ultimate freedom and authority to rule society and construct it to their ideal. Just because it is performed “for the good of the people” doesn’t make less of a tyranny. I’m sure Pol Pot’s forced march into the wilds of Cambodia was for the good of the people too.

Of course, when I think of Liberals, I think of Rigid social mores and Cool Uniforms.  Or wait, do I think of Hippies?  Yeah, the last thing.  Also Fascism does not Equal Communism.  These two things are not equal.  I think they were trying to arge against authoritarianism; which I think is still a stretch, since there is really only one Authority and society as a whole (The land whales) were not down for it; they were just mindless consumers (like good Capitalists).

(Quick, examine that short Paragrah, did I say anything about a certain Austrian political figure?  No, Give me a cookie!)

2) Failure of the Big Government social programs – We’ve had a lot of discussion of the anti-corporate message in the form of Big N Large. I contend that BNL is not a corporation, but a government. It represents the ultimate extension of the nationalized corporation as defined by Mussolini, and is a pretty close analogy to Great Society. In the end BNL has total worldwide societal control and all needs of the people are met by BNL’s “programs”. But just like the failure of the Great Society, BNL’s planned economy fails in a spectacular manner. Even the changes made to save humanity do not meet the promises. We see advertising, analogous to current PSAs, to take the Axiom on its 5 year cruise. But the promise of the Axiom is not met and we see the price of that failure early in movie when we see all the fat people on hover chairs. Just like the Great Society, once the liberal plan is put into motion, there is no option to change to a rational alternative. All that can be done is to maintain the status quo, without end. As a side note, the CEO of BNL makes all of his pronouncements from something that looks like the White House press room. This is reference to governmental power, not corporate power.

Simply stating that Wal-Mart , ahed, I mean BNL is not a Corporatation and then going on from there isn’t reasoning; that like saying “I don’t think the Green Goblin is a villan, so therefore Spider-Man is a menace!”  good thinking there JJJ.  So; yeah this whole section of the argument is out the door.

3) The effects of the Mainstream Media – Every human has a personal video feed that is used to pipe constant media brainwashing. We see the propaganda where they are all told that “Blue is the new red”. All of the mind numbed sheep dutifully go “oooohhh” and happily don the new color, while all continue to look identical. They dutifully do as they are told, including eating what they are told, until they have become an identical group of fat useless drains on the welfare state. A state which dutifully fills up the troughs for them to eat from. I found this theme to track with the current obesity problem in the welfare and food stamp programs.

I aggree; the mainstream media is a profit driven entity owned by large corporations who want money.  How is this a Liberal thing.  I get it; if you don’t like it (it’s Liberal) and if you like it (Like cool Stormtrooper uniforms) it’s Conservative.  Tell me again how Fascists and Commies are Liberals again?

4) Propagandizing the education system – There was one scene where we saw the fat little children being educated through the use of media propaganda. This removal of parents from the upbringing of the children falls in line with the current drive to push children into the public indoctrination system as early as possible. While it is only an aside, the next time you see the children is when they are in danger thanks to the callous disregard of the elites. In this case, the state doesn’t save them, it is the actions of Josh and Mary acting as pseudo parents that save their lives.

Again, I agree.  Using the Education of the young to put forth an agenda is deplorable.  Of course, when the truth is that agenda and you don’t believe in it (like say Evolution and how the Mass Market is profit driven and not equitable…)  wait what?  Oh, my eduction by PepsiCo must have failed me again; no Pepsi for me tonight.

5) Triumph of individualism – Through accidental contact with the robots, Josh and Mary meet each other and begin a romance. We see one scene where the Lido deck is closed, and all of the hover chairs dutifully follow orders and head to the cabins. But Josh and Mary ignore the rules and stay in the pool. In another scene, we see Eve finally ignore the directive to deliver the plant to the bridge, and stay to help Wall-E when he is injured. Both of these short sequences demonstrate individuals standing up for self determination over the dictates of the state.

Wall-E is emulating something he saw in a Movie.  If emulation is somehow being an individual, all those kids dressed as the Vampires from Twilight are downright rebels. Dumbass.

6) Elites fighting to maintain power – The Socialist concept of rulership by elites is often accompanied by the struggle to maintain power for the good of the people, even when the people are harmed in the process. It is all done for the good of society. Toward the end of the movie, we see Auto put the humans into danger by turning the ship and causing everyone to slide toward the walls (I promised I wouldn’t discuss the gravitational absurdity of this scene). Here the elite is trying to save humanity, but in the process is likely to kill a lot of humans. This parallels a common environmentalist desire of today to see a significant reduction in human population to save the planet.

What Elites?  One Computer is “Elites” plural?  Dumbshit can’t even count now.

7) Individualism must be suppressed – In the movie, the robots save the day. But the robots that do this are the “misfit” robots that have been put into a “reeducation program” to get them to perform within the strict tolerances defined by the state as acceptable. Once Wall-E uses Eve’s “blaster” to open the doors, the misfit robots escape. Instead of being a danger to society as the state controlled media asserts, they instead help Wall-E and Eve save humanity.

The “Misfit” robots are dangerously malfunctioning devices used to maintain the ship; some of which were endangering the ship.  By this reasoning,  a clinically insane person who threaten kindergartens because “Obama is gunna take his guns” is a real conservative icon!  Again,  Fail! Or WIN! Depending on which end of the spectrum your type of Aspergers ends up on.

8) Superiority of the classics – This one is a bit of a stretch, but the continual use of a “classic” image of the movie Hello Dolly made me think of the fight against cultural corruption. Wall-E (and eventually Eve) pine for, and eventually show the triumph of, the classical values shown by that movie. They reject the cultural mores imposed by modern thought as expressed by their directives that they are expected to blindly follow.

Yes, like CLASSIC Warfare (Raping and Pillaging) and CLASSIC Marriage (dowries) and of course the old Conservative Favourite, the Classic Lifestyle of the Spartan Army.

9) In the end Humanity embraces truth and does the right thing – The captain finally decides to take the Axiom home. But his decision is based on truly knowing what they face. He learns that Earth isn’t the happy wonderful place that his movies are showing him. Instead he directly confronts the bleak reality of the world that Eve shows him. But despite the knowledge of the challenges that faces them, he rejects the easy stagnation of continued life on the Axiom, and returns to earth to build a new world. Once faced with the lies told to him by the state, he rejects the state and embraces the hard road of struggle for independence.

The “State” told him to keep looking for life at home and then when said life is found, GO HOME.  Which is what happened.


Again, Wall-E sucks and this gave me an opportunity to relive some of the low-lights of this crap fest.

Blade 3 was better than Blade 2 – IGN fails at WATCHING

I present the thing I’m pissed off at in total:

The third Blade movie is the poster child for how not to make a sequel. One would think it would be a no-brainer to pit Blade against Dracula in an ultimate showdown, that it would at the very least deliver on the promise and fun of the second film. But instead, we get a the equivalent of movie cancer – Blade plays supporting character to Nightstalkers Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; Dracula looks like a bouncer in need of a tan instead of the alpha/omega of suckheads and director David Goyer makes ineptitude an Olympic sport.

The movie is a fascinating failure, considering there isn’t much to pulling off a Blade movie other than have Blade brood in between dusting vamps and looking cool while doing it. The goal of the suckfest was to provide a stepping stone for a Nightstalkers spin-off; in doing so, Blade became relegated to the background and his “death scene” came off about as compelling as Scott’s in X3. Blade is a hero, he should die like one. And he should go out in a better vehicle than this crapfest. Avoid this one like the plague.

by Phil Pirrello & Jay Hainsworth

I’ve included a link to the authors of this suckfest (oh pun) so that I may remember them and heap nerd scorn upon their unworthy skulls.

Let me point out some of the problems here:

  1. Blade is alive at the end of the movie, I know it’s a spoiler.  However these morons failed to watch and listen to the damn movie.
  2. Ryan Reynolds is the fucking Man in this movie.  “Hello, My name is Fuck you”  C’mon.
  3. They really kill Whistler and don’t have him come back from the dead like an asshole (unlike in Blade 2)
  4. Patton “Fucking” Oswalt is in this movie.
  5. The Villain is played by Parker Posey (Alt-Chick turned crazy ass vampire?  Yes Please), Ryan Reynolds refers to the biggest she-bitch in the movie as “kitten” to her face; while being pummeled by Sabretooth (okay, I;m not 100% sure this is the same actor, but it looks like him)
  6. Patton Oswalt?  Got that?  Not doing punch-up off camera either, right there in the middle of the screen.
  7. Natasha Lyon doesn’t play a junkie.  Swish!
  8. The one REALLY WEAK moment in the movie (SERIOUSLY WEAK) is when Blade tells JB to “Use it” over her pain at Natasha Lyonne dying.
  9. Vampire Rotweilers
  10. Vampire Toy Poddles (Reaper Strain no less)
  11. Dracula kills a Suicide Girl reject in what appears to be Hot Topic.  Nice!

Let me re-state the reason I’m pissed at Messers Pirello and Hainsworth, Blade is alive at the end of the flick (having been replaced by another Vampire before the cops showed up).  If you are going to purport to review movies, you gotta either watch them to the end or at least check if your emphatically stated facts are even close to accurate.

Hey, did I mention the sub-plot where the government are aware of Blade and take part in taking him down?  Neat!

What about the special anti-vampire weapons?  Concentrated Sunlight in an arrowhead?  Nice, Shooting arrows around corners, fuck yeah!

They then go on to bash on Back to the Future 3, the most beloved part of the series after number 1 (among normals, not bitter nerds)  Bitter nerds love number 2 more (I’m with the nerds on this one)

However, if one was to layer the Blade movies in terms of entertainment, It goes Blade 1 (hard physical effects for the fights, cool vamps (donnal logue recognize!) Blade 3 (JB and RR + Patton OSwalt) then Blade 2 (Cartoon fights, c’mon!)  I loved Blade 2 until I watched Blade 3 a second time.

Don’t listen to these IGN assholes, Blade 3 is the shit, take a big whiff.