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Tag: Horror Movies

Movies that would have been better with Giant Telepathic Squids in them

It looks like there will be no “Death by Calamari” at the end of Watchmen next March; which is fine.  Giant Squids be damned.  Except when they would make the movie Awesome!

People Under the Stairs

This 1991 Wes Craven horror covers a few nice Horror Tropes; incestuous siblings that are also slum lords and serial child abusers, cannibals, moral lessons for children and good dinner manners among sexually abused teens.  Good Wholesome fun.  Everett McGill & Wendy Robie do an excellent turn as the fundamentalist, incestuous, hyper-greedy and hyper-violent Brother and Sister duo that run a long-form real estate slum empire and hoard gold.  Kind of a Kinky and Violent Unca Scrooge really.  They get their in the long run at the hands of the boys they’ve been keeping in semi-mute cannibal hordes in their basement.

How would this Movie Have been improved by the Presence of a Giant Telepathic Squid?

In the basement there is a giant pit full of water that has somehow escaped the notice of the local authorities and utilities.  It is filled with decayed corpses of the “bad boys and girls” from the house.  How does the dynamic duo keep their long term killing and eating of kids a secret, two words “telepathic squid”  they are servants of some Lovecraftian Horror that lives in their basement, part of a long legacy of worshippers that have owned this land for centuries and they use their wealth to lure in people from all over to feed to their god.  This latest Generation has become a little too close and stopped producing heirs to the legacy, thus they are forced to try and build a new generation from the kids they steal.  In the Climax, instead of “Daddy” getting it, it’s a giant squid that blows up, but not before pulling most of the house down on itself.   Extra special, it’s the squid that pulls Alice back into the house after she tries to jump from the roof to escape.

Escape from L.A.

In 1996, the sequel to “Escape from New York” arrived and showed us another vision of an American Future overrun with Moralists and Religion; right with God was the only way to live and it was all done for your protection.  Undesirables are shipped off to the new Island of LA, a godless land lorded over by gangs of miscreants and Plastic Surgeons, where pop-eyed freaks are the best tour-guides in town and transexual gang leaders are able to fly on heavier than air personal rigs.  Awesome.

How would this Movie Have been improved by the Presence of a Giant Telepathic Squid?

It’s on an island,why not surround it with the Godless Children of C’thulu and imbue it with Cyclopean Architecture.  Can you think of a more godless place than an actual Godless Place?  Imagine Snake Plissken having to fight creatures that are the mutated remains of the Rodeo Drive set?  Ravening hordes of hairless Chihuahua/Rat/Frog hybrids that scurry from place to place, devouring the newly arrived.  Replace Che Guevera lookalike with a Che Geuvera lookalike, with tentacles and you have a vastly improved horror setting that let’s Snake Plissken blast them with impunity and makes AJ Langer’s character all the more tragic, seduced by a squid indeed.

Also, wouldn’t Steve Buscemi look great as a Shuggoth?

The Bridges of Madison County

Clint Eastwood and Meryl Street grit and snarl their way through a romantic tale of too greying at the temples….yawn.  This 1995 Adaption of the Robert James Waller novel might have set the hearts of many a middle aged woman to puttering, but ugh.  Snore.  Boring was invented to describe this ploddng artifice of narrative and plot.  Squint all you like Clint, no awards are deserved for this steaming pile of Crap.

How would this Movie Have been improved by the Presence of a Giant Telepathic Squid?

How could it not, replace the plot with a series of small towns that have been depopulated by attrition and ennui, have Clint and Meryl happen upon a small child at said bridges, tossing bits of his family into the waiting maw of a passing Squid and you have a horror masterpiece waiting to happen.

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble

As if his years on Welcome Back Kotter were not enough reason to shun and avoid John Travolta, he develops a fatal disease that forces him to live (and love) in a plastic bottle.  Everyon say Awwww when he pines for the girl (Glyniss O’Conner) next door and finds love through the plastic skin.

How would this Movie Have been improved by the Presence of a Giant Telepathic Squid?

Plastic Bubble?  More like, fresh wrapped Squid Food.  Tod Ludbich is being kept invoilate for his 21st birthday by his cultist parents.  Food for their forgotten Squiddy master.  Only the love of the Girl Next Door can save the Boy in the Bubble from his fishy fate.  Sometimes the Crap just Writes Itself, like the un-squid filled version does.