Category Archives: Reviews

Amazing Spider-Man 591: Unthinkable!

This is how the comic opens:

headlessspidey

ARG!

The Headless Spider-Man!

If you didn’t catch Issue 590; Spider-Man was given a blank checque, made out to Cash to join the FF on a journey to the “MacroVerse” in response to a summons from the (formerly) grass hut living primitives there.

Johnny got it up his nose to see what was under the mask of the mysterious Spider-Man and THIS is what he found.  Eeeeeww.

Without giving away too much, time is compressed while they are in the Macroverse and about 13 and 1/3 days go by (about two weeks, sheesh).  This is a nice way to move time forward in the Spidey-Verse so that things can go down.

Something goes down that makes Spider-Man react like this:

Oh, No!  Aunt May is Dating Dr. Octopus AGAIN!?!?!
Oh, No! Aunt May is Dating Dr. Octopus AGAIN!?!?!

Actually; no.  It’s not Aunt May.  It’s something much more horrifying to Spider-Man (even worse that Osborn as President!?!?!?) you’ll have to check out the issue to find out,  I promise you’ll enjoy it.

Dark Reign Fantastic Four #2: Uh Oh

Reed Richards Determines that had he acted alone, the Civil War would not have been "so bad"
Reed Richards Determines that had he acted alone, the Civil War would not have been "so bad"

I’ve been enjoying the “Dark Reign” crossover storyline; so much so that I look forward to what I get to read of it from time to time.  In Dark Reign: Fantastic Four #2, Reed is scanning the Marvel Multiverse looking for answers to where he went wrong and it looks like he’s coming to “I’m so smart, I can’t fail” as the answer.  Look for “Evil Reed” to show up soon.

Fringe Episode 15: 80s, 90s and Whenever; We play all the Hits!

Fringe this week did little (overtly) to move the over-arching plot along. However, there was a bit of covert 80s and 90s action to check out!

heyitsprocter
This is Teddy from "One Crazy Summer" Matt Mulhern

It's Becky from "Rosanne" Not "Sarah Chalke" Becky though.
It's Becky from "Rosanne" Not "Sarah Chalk" Becky though.

Hey! Becky! Almost didn’t recognize her until she sneered; that sneer is going to be burned into my memory for years. OH HOW I HATED THIS BECKY!  When Sarah Chalk took over, I was a fan of Rosanne again; I will admit that Alicia Goranson was a better fit for the character, Canadian Sarah Chalk was too pleasant (which is why I preferred her over snarky scowlpuss here)

Anyway; this episode had two hairless freaks in it.  One is involved in the main plot. so I won’t spoil him here; but check out who appears for a few moments on screen again:

The Witness appears again
The Witness appears again

The Witness is here again to watch over the proceedings again; this time from the sidelines of the episode.

There was one clunker of a line in the episode when a character (Played by Erik Palladino of Law and Order) walks out and says to his cell phone “I’m at the hospital, we have another one”

He Worked on SVU before, That's where you recognize him from
He Wored on SVU before, That's where you recognize him from

WHAT HOSPITAL?  This is Boston right?  Aren’t there more that one?  Another What? That isn’t enough information for a phone that doesn’t contain a greeting or jargon.

Also; this happened:

Dr. Bishop Pops his Collar, gives himself a teddyboy curl and struts around to some soul music
Dr. Bishop Pops his Collar, gives himself a teddyboy curl and struts around to some soul music

Boredom + Ennui equals TAKEDOWN

I hated Wall-E so much that when a Mefite posted a link to an old story about it; I found an equally old review and decided to take them down a peg:

The “good folks” over at Redstate.com loved Wall-E and posted a tortured set of reasons why Wall-E was all about the Reagan and the Guns:

1) The overthrow of fascist tyranny – The most direct conservative message in the movie is the uprising of the humans to throw off the chains of fascism. Humans on the Axiom have been subjugated to the soft fascism of the nanny state where the state provides all needs to all people, and they are all equal in their care. Everyone looks the same. Every gets the same food, clothes, media and activities. It is the perfect Marxist utopia, except for the French Revolution inspired construct of a ruling elite (Auto and his hench-robots) who have the ultimate freedom and authority to rule society and construct it to their ideal. Just because it is performed “for the good of the people” doesn’t make less of a tyranny. I’m sure Pol Pot’s forced march into the wilds of Cambodia was for the good of the people too.

Of course, when I think of Liberals, I think of Rigid social mores and Cool Uniforms.  Or wait, do I think of Hippies?  Yeah, the last thing.  Also Fascism does not Equal Communism.  These two things are not equal.  I think they were trying to arge against authoritarianism; which I think is still a stretch, since there is really only one Authority and society as a whole (The land whales) were not down for it; they were just mindless consumers (like good Capitalists).

(Quick, examine that short Paragrah, did I say anything about a certain Austrian political figure?  No, Give me a cookie!)

2) Failure of the Big Government social programs – We’ve had a lot of discussion of the anti-corporate message in the form of Big N Large. I contend that BNL is not a corporation, but a government. It represents the ultimate extension of the nationalized corporation as defined by Mussolini, and is a pretty close analogy to Great Society. In the end BNL has total worldwide societal control and all needs of the people are met by BNL’s “programs”. But just like the failure of the Great Society, BNL’s planned economy fails in a spectacular manner. Even the changes made to save humanity do not meet the promises. We see advertising, analogous to current PSAs, to take the Axiom on its 5 year cruise. But the promise of the Axiom is not met and we see the price of that failure early in movie when we see all the fat people on hover chairs. Just like the Great Society, once the liberal plan is put into motion, there is no option to change to a rational alternative. All that can be done is to maintain the status quo, without end. As a side note, the CEO of BNL makes all of his pronouncements from something that looks like the White House press room. This is reference to governmental power, not corporate power.

Simply stating that Wal-Mart , ahed, I mean BNL is not a Corporatation and then going on from there isn’t reasoning; that like saying “I don’t think the Green Goblin is a villan, so therefore Spider-Man is a menace!”  good thinking there JJJ.  So; yeah this whole section of the argument is out the door.

3) The effects of the Mainstream Media – Every human has a personal video feed that is used to pipe constant media brainwashing. We see the propaganda where they are all told that “Blue is the new red”. All of the mind numbed sheep dutifully go “oooohhh” and happily don the new color, while all continue to look identical. They dutifully do as they are told, including eating what they are told, until they have become an identical group of fat useless drains on the welfare state. A state which dutifully fills up the troughs for them to eat from. I found this theme to track with the current obesity problem in the welfare and food stamp programs.

I aggree; the mainstream media is a profit driven entity owned by large corporations who want money.  How is this a Liberal thing.  I get it; if you don’t like it (it’s Liberal) and if you like it (Like cool Stormtrooper uniforms) it’s Conservative.  Tell me again how Fascists and Commies are Liberals again?

4) Propagandizing the education system – There was one scene where we saw the fat little children being educated through the use of media propaganda. This removal of parents from the upbringing of the children falls in line with the current drive to push children into the public indoctrination system as early as possible. While it is only an aside, the next time you see the children is when they are in danger thanks to the callous disregard of the elites. In this case, the state doesn’t save them, it is the actions of Josh and Mary acting as pseudo parents that save their lives.

Again, I agree.  Using the Education of the young to put forth an agenda is deplorable.  Of course, when the truth is that agenda and you don’t believe in it (like say Evolution and how the Mass Market is profit driven and not equitable…)  wait what?  Oh, my eduction by PepsiCo must have failed me again; no Pepsi for me tonight.

5) Triumph of individualism – Through accidental contact with the robots, Josh and Mary meet each other and begin a romance. We see one scene where the Lido deck is closed, and all of the hover chairs dutifully follow orders and head to the cabins. But Josh and Mary ignore the rules and stay in the pool. In another scene, we see Eve finally ignore the directive to deliver the plant to the bridge, and stay to help Wall-E when he is injured. Both of these short sequences demonstrate individuals standing up for self determination over the dictates of the state.

Wall-E is emulating something he saw in a Movie.  If emulation is somehow being an individual, all those kids dressed as the Vampires from Twilight are downright rebels. Dumbass.

6) Elites fighting to maintain power – The Socialist concept of rulership by elites is often accompanied by the struggle to maintain power for the good of the people, even when the people are harmed in the process. It is all done for the good of society. Toward the end of the movie, we see Auto put the humans into danger by turning the ship and causing everyone to slide toward the walls (I promised I wouldn’t discuss the gravitational absurdity of this scene). Here the elite is trying to save humanity, but in the process is likely to kill a lot of humans. This parallels a common environmentalist desire of today to see a significant reduction in human population to save the planet.

What Elites?  One Computer is “Elites” plural?  Dumbshit can’t even count now.

7) Individualism must be suppressed – In the movie, the robots save the day. But the robots that do this are the “misfit” robots that have been put into a “reeducation program” to get them to perform within the strict tolerances defined by the state as acceptable. Once Wall-E uses Eve’s “blaster” to open the doors, the misfit robots escape. Instead of being a danger to society as the state controlled media asserts, they instead help Wall-E and Eve save humanity.

The “Misfit” robots are dangerously malfunctioning devices used to maintain the ship; some of which were endangering the ship.  By this reasoning,  a clinically insane person who threaten kindergartens because “Obama is gunna take his guns” is a real conservative icon!  Again,  Fail! Or WIN! Depending on which end of the spectrum your type of Aspergers ends up on.

8) Superiority of the classics – This one is a bit of a stretch, but the continual use of a “classic” image of the movie Hello Dolly made me think of the fight against cultural corruption. Wall-E (and eventually Eve) pine for, and eventually show the triumph of, the classical values shown by that movie. They reject the cultural mores imposed by modern thought as expressed by their directives that they are expected to blindly follow.

Yes, like CLASSIC Warfare (Raping and Pillaging) and CLASSIC Marriage (dowries) and of course the old Conservative Favourite, the Classic Lifestyle of the Spartan Army.

9) In the end Humanity embraces truth and does the right thing – The captain finally decides to take the Axiom home. But his decision is based on truly knowing what they face. He learns that Earth isn’t the happy wonderful place that his movies are showing him. Instead he directly confronts the bleak reality of the world that Eve shows him. But despite the knowledge of the challenges that faces them, he rejects the easy stagnation of continued life on the Axiom, and returns to earth to build a new world. Once faced with the lies told to him by the state, he rejects the state and embraces the hard road of struggle for independence.

The “State” told him to keep looking for life at home and then when said life is found, GO HOME.  Which is what happened.

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS SOMEHOW A LIE ON BEHALF OF THE STATE.  THE FUCKING LARDWHALE CAPTAIN DID EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS TOLD TO DO BY A 500 YEAR OLD RECORDING.  HOLY SHIT!  THAT’S LIKE STONING SOMEONE BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAID TO DO IT.

Again, Wall-E sucks and this gave me an opportunity to relive some of the low-lights of this crap fest.

Crossed 4: Now with more Phallus related Visual Gags

Iff his press is to be believed, this man is known as Horsecock
If his press is to be believed, this man is known as Horsecock

Jacen Burrows and Garth Ennis set things up for us so well, Global Disaster, murderously horny Rednecks and a rag-tag group of people trying (I guess) to get to Alaska ( if they don’t believe that Alaskans wouldn’t gleefully join in on the Crossed-in-Blood rape and killing spree, they haven’t see Levi’s myspace page).  Our survivors have murdered children (as punishment for cannibalism) and apparently killed any number of psycho rednecks.  They have survived fallout from nuclear explosions and let’s face it the exploding poulations of aggrsive, meat hungry carnivores that have no-doubt set to reproducing in Noahesque numbers.

The Crossed appear to be cannibals, so they’re not hunting.

Anyway, at least issue four has our heroes moving in a direction rather than sort of just hanging around shooting kindergartners.

They have come to this:

Fun in a post Cross-ed World
Fun in a post Cross-ed World

The Crossed are using their victims for sport.

They get entertainment from the following, Rape, killing, dismemberment and apparently survivor style closed-room brawls.    The crossed are MMA fans of a particularly cruel stripe it appears.

This issue filled me with two emotions, dread (because it appears that the Crossed have among them the gleeful sadists that appear in all post-apocalyptic ficiton) and dread because this sets up a plot line that feels unnecessary.   The whole world is out to get our heroes (who I remind you will survive as this is being told in past tense) why set up Horsecock like this?

One point, at least the male lead isn’t bedding random women throughout, please applaud Mr. Ennis for skipping this pointless trope of PA fiction!

Blade 3 was better than Blade 2 – IGN fails at WATCHING

I present the thing I’m pissed off at in total:

The third Blade movie is the poster child for how not to make a sequel. One would think it would be a no-brainer to pit Blade against Dracula in an ultimate showdown, that it would at the very least deliver on the promise and fun of the second film. But instead, we get a the equivalent of movie cancer – Blade plays supporting character to Nightstalkers Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; Dracula looks like a bouncer in need of a tan instead of the alpha/omega of suckheads and director David Goyer makes ineptitude an Olympic sport.

The movie is a fascinating failure, considering there isn’t much to pulling off a Blade movie other than have Blade brood in between dusting vamps and looking cool while doing it. The goal of the suckfest was to provide a stepping stone for a Nightstalkers spin-off; in doing so, Blade became relegated to the background and his “death scene” came off about as compelling as Scott’s in X3. Blade is a hero, he should die like one. And he should go out in a better vehicle than this crapfest. Avoid this one like the plague.

by Phil Pirrello & Jay Hainsworth

I’ve included a link to the authors of this suckfest (oh pun) so that I may remember them and heap nerd scorn upon their unworthy skulls.

Let me point out some of the problems here:

  1. Blade is alive at the end of the movie, I know it’s a spoiler.  However these morons failed to watch and listen to the damn movie.
  2. Ryan Reynolds is the fucking Man in this movie.  “Hello, My name is Fuck you”  C’mon.
  3. They really kill Whistler and don’t have him come back from the dead like an asshole (unlike in Blade 2)
  4. Patton “Fucking” Oswalt is in this movie.
  5. The Villain is played by Parker Posey (Alt-Chick turned crazy ass vampire?  Yes Please), Ryan Reynolds refers to the biggest she-bitch in the movie as “kitten” to her face; while being pummeled by Sabretooth (okay, I;m not 100% sure this is the same actor, but it looks like him)
  6. Patton Oswalt?  Got that?  Not doing punch-up off camera either, right there in the middle of the screen.
  7. Natasha Lyon doesn’t play a junkie.  Swish!
  8. The one REALLY WEAK moment in the movie (SERIOUSLY WEAK) is when Blade tells JB to “Use it” over her pain at Natasha Lyonne dying.
  9. Vampire Rotweilers
  10. Vampire Toy Poddles (Reaper Strain no less)
  11. Dracula kills a Suicide Girl reject in what appears to be Hot Topic.  Nice!

Let me re-state the reason I’m pissed at Messers Pirello and Hainsworth, Blade is alive at the end of the flick (having been replaced by another Vampire before the cops showed up).  If you are going to purport to review movies, you gotta either watch them to the end or at least check if your emphatically stated facts are even close to accurate.

Hey, did I mention the sub-plot where the government are aware of Blade and take part in taking him down?  Neat!

What about the special anti-vampire weapons?  Concentrated Sunlight in an arrowhead?  Nice, Shooting arrows around corners, fuck yeah!

They then go on to bash on Back to the Future 3, the most beloved part of the series after number 1 (among normals, not bitter nerds)  Bitter nerds love number 2 more (I’m with the nerds on this one)

However, if one was to layer the Blade movies in terms of entertainment, It goes Blade 1 (hard physical effects for the fights, cool vamps (donnal logue recognize!) Blade 3 (JB and RR + Patton OSwalt) then Blade 2 (Cartoon fights, c’mon!)  I loved Blade 2 until I watched Blade 3 a second time.

Don’t listen to these IGN assholes, Blade 3 is the shit, take a big whiff.

Review: Zombie Frank Herbert might do a better job

Anyone who has read a review on my site before will be familiar with my “Stars” rating system; I will forgo this system initially to provide for you a reaction shot of me; while I read this:

oh-god-its-looking-at-us

This may look like I might have been enjoying myself; but you are reading my expression incorrectly.  I am about to poke my eyes out with “The Horns”.  This was to prevent the blood that gathered behind them from exploding from my sockets in a hematic squirt.

Paul of Dune

Frank Herbert’s son attempts to fill in some of the Plot of Dune, with predictably hilarious results.

Did I say Hilarious? I meant unreadable.

My rating: 0.5 stars
1/2

It took me months to trod through this drek.  I’m not a fan of Space Opera at all; this book simply cements my poor opinion of the Genre.  Thanks to Mini Book Expo for the chance to read this one; I will forgo resiting my instincts on these books in the future, Scion of Herbert be DAMNED!

Review: "Bloody Crazy" does not rhyme with Satan

Blood Crazy

Nick Aten ambles over the bloody remains of a boy evicerated by his own mother to eat a burger and shoot the shit with a friend. The next day his younger brother is dead and the adults have taken up the hobby of killing everyone under the age of 20, all adults everywhere. Now Nick has to get away from it all and slip his parents as they hunt him across england.

Blood Crazy is a recounting by Nick Aten of the year that Adult humanity stopped caring for the youth and instead began turning the bodies of the young into massive necropolises and temples of death across the countryside.

Anywhere there were young people, the adults would gather and destroy them.

Nick spends a whole year on the run from place to place; finding his way from callow youth to something else.

Simon Clark does a fantastic job of making the story fast paced enough to keep you reading and 300 pages in I realized I’d read the majority of it in one go. Bravo I strongly recommend Blood Crazy!

My rating: 4.5 stars
****1/2

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I read this one quickly, I usally only read in small drips and have spent MONTHS not reading a DUNE novel, but I gave this book a minute while I was in disposed and could not stop reading it.  It’s not high literature; and once again we have a post-apocalyptic hero that can’t walk 20 yards without tripping over yet anothere willing woman who needs him to make love to her and plant his seed.  I wish that I was exaggerating this point.

The “cause” of the adults going crazy is explained; it’s a bit weak.  I don’t think it detracts from the book at all, but the explaination is weak.

This book does the oppostite of “Graceling” when it comes to travel, the travel portions are either mad dashes from blood-crazed adults or treks across wastelands that are leading urgently to somewhere; not detracting from the pace or the action.  It was a relief when a character found a safe place to sleep;  I cared that they got to sleep comfortably.

Nick Aten; the main character is somewhat stereotypical lead character.  He’s smart, but not an intellectual, strong, but not too tough.  Cocky but not cock-sure… I could go on.  He’s not so generic as to be an everyman, but he’s no stand-out.

The “Bully” character which serves as the human plot point for most of the story has a back story that I think that Simon Clark almost maliciously leaves off, going so far as to cut the character off when he attempts to vocalize his perceived injustice with Nick.   I was most frustrted with this; Tug Slatter is a bully and a thug, but he is certainly more than that and we are NOT given more than a glance at whatever motivates him and his misanthropy.

All in all; I will recommend this one to fans of Post-Apocalyptic survival novels.  It was a good quick read and worth picking up.