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Category: Reviews

Review: The Mighty (From DC, not the Awesome Movie)

Okay, I get it.  Alpha is the Killer
Okay, I get it. Alpha is the Killer

Sorry to throw that spoiler up front, but why bother?  Unless there is some kind of amazing twist, the superhero as killer story is kind of stupid (and already being played out in another Mainstream Continuity that I still hold is being used as some king of editoral reset button to be used when the stink of pointless crossovers get too out of control and run on sentences rule the world dontchaknow?)  So why bother?  The Art is good. Really good.  It’s going to be (at least) entertaining to read this (pile of) shit.

Somwhere in DC, an assistant editor is saying “Aw C’mon, not every reader is over 12.  There must be a bunch of under-twelves who can fall for this crap”  I have news for you; my 11 year old daughter saw JUST THIS PANEL and figured it out.  One Page of images gave it away.

Too Bad.

Crossed 3: All that baking for nothing

It just needed doing.
It just needed doing.

Crossed 3 came out a while ago; it is kind of like a breather after the last two issues sort of dropped us into Wiry Meth-Head Rapist Armageddon.  Mr. Ennis gives us a (somewhat cliche) “Man’s Inhumanity to Man” story with issue 3; which is hardly the issue to lose the momentum that was set up in Issues 1 and 2.  One would have imagined that the story would reach a lull by issue 10, but this early break in the headlong run from the Crossed is kind of a letdown.

I’m not committed to the Characters yet, seeing them instead as a vehicle for us to ride on rather than actual “people in the story” if you understand.  They don’t really exist as people yet, you see.  They are brethless story ponys that we are riding with for now.

This is kind of where Crossed really drifts from what made “The Walking Dead” so good initially and so unsettling now;  I cared about Rick and his family right away.  I don’t care about any of the people in Crossed yet.  That lack of empathy for the characters puts Crossed at Risk of being just a one-off Violent comic instead of a promising story about survival (or death) in the face of Skinny Redneck Violence Rapists.

Just Saying.

Review: Outlander

The Power of Christ Compels You!
The Power of Christ Compels You!

Outlander

Aliens and Vikings vs Super Alien Predator!

During the reign of the Vikings, Kainan (Caviezel), a man from a far-off world, crash lands on Earth, bringing with him an alien predator known as the Moorwen. Though both man and monster are seeking revenge for violence committed against them, Kainan leads the alliance to kill the Moorwen by fusing his advanced technology with the Viking’s Iron Age weaponry

My rating: 4.5 stars
****1/2

I wasn’t too sure how this would come out; I’d been reading about the impending “Aliens Vs Vikings” movie since before I left the States and was equal parts excited about the concept and concerned that I’d be handed another Pathfinder.  I’m very glad to say that no, Outlander is not pointless and stupid.  It’s not some kind of action opus (the actors are WAY TOO PRETTY) for that.

Kainan the Hunter!
Kainan the Hunter!

This was actually something that annoyed me, Caviezel and his rival Wulfric (Jack Huston) are two of the prettiest “hardend soldiers” that have ever walked the earth, with nary a scar or mussed hair to distract from their guylinered eyes.  Even after being sorely beated, Caviezel’s character never really shows the damage one would expect; as if the director was telling the crew “you keep those boys clean, who want’s to see an action hero all beat up and dirty?”

Otherwise the action is great, happens mostly in the dark with no clear view of it, but it’s still fine.  I didn’t get too bored during it and while the plot is as complex as “Dick and Jane are illiterate mutes”  it’s not so boneheaded that I wanted to just quit the movie.   I recommend this movie for a pizza and beer group watch or a lazy sunday type movie.

See, action!
See, action!

My iPhone Two Weeks in

Punisher iPhone

Two weeks in on the iPhone I’m very very very Impressed.  I was able to link it to my Outlook account and synch it over the air via a flawlessly easy to configure WiFi account, I was able to use SSH from the device to manage my home servers without an issue and I can play music through the speaker when I just want noise where I am.  It’s flawless save for the massive touchscreen and Camera.

The Camera sucks, it’s almost pointless.  either improve it or remove it.  It’s almost like they included a camera just so that competition could say “it has no camera” it’s no good in low light it is sensitive to shaky hands and requires the user to press the touchscreen to work, causing shake.  Oh well.  Maybe someone will release an app that will delay the shutter until the camera is still (I know, someone has already, but I don’t want to pay for it)

Installing apps is easy and painless, I prefer synching via iTunes, but have used the App store on the phone without issue.

The interface really shines when you get to use all of it’s features, like RJDJ which allows you to organically interface with sound, touch and motion to create sound scapes.  It’s amazing.

I strongly recommend purchasing a nice cover for your phone like the one I have on mine, if only to protect the very vulnerable screen.

All in all, an excellet phone that is leaps and bounds over the Windows Mobile devices I have used in the past.

Review: Transporter 3 aka Freckles McGinger and Frank McGrump

At least at this distance you couldnt see the Freckles
At least at this distance you couldn’t see the Freckles

I’m a big fan of the Transporter movies, I got into the series on number 2, instead of the traditional Number one.  In Number two there was a “Girl With Problems” character who spent a good deal of the movie in soggy lingerie shooting twin machine pistols.  It was an Instant Classic.

The (crazily named) Megaton Boomstick directed this movie and expanded the “Girl with Problems” role into “Annoying Ukranian Freckle Face that we force Frank to fall for”

This did not derail the movie, but it made the whole “What means Talent and Looks?” jokes come fast and furious while we were watching.  I should also point out that freckles are cute, the femail lead appears to have skin somewhere between her freckles, but I’m sure that will clear up the next time she is under a good strong lightbulb.

I’m spending too much time on the Female lead; true.  I should be posting about the action, but the action is good, it’s rediculous and incredible, you’re assured that if Frank doesn’t pound the bad weasel into fine jelly the bad guy will get his anyway at the hands of Freckles McPouty’s daddy.  So why bother?

Bother because it is the next movie in the series and we need to get them to make at least one more before they hand off the franchise to Shia Lebouf or Lindsay Lohan or something.

See it because it’s another Transporter and you gotta admit it’s fun to watch an Audi drive like a Bugatti.

Review: Crossed Issue 2; now with more Soggy Cookies

Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows set the Rape and Murder by crazed Rednecks bar really high in Crossed #1.  I can safely state that issue two doesn’t add to the horror, instead it shows the keen, steely and purposeful levels of evil the “Crossed” can reach.  Speaking of the Crossed, here’s the birth of one:

Crossed 2 preview

Our uninfected are telling this story in anecdotal form, which means at least one of them is alive “in the future” I’m guessing either as one of the Crossed or it is the kid that has been tagging along all this time.   Giving a hopeful narrator with such bleak and (really) dark subject matter strikes me as an odd choice.  The Crossed tear one of their own apart and rape the severed foot/calf, with that kind of determined horror, it’s hard to imagine some form of hopeful anything save a quick death.

As for the crossed themselves. when they aren’t mutilating each other and raping men, women and children (and animals I’m sure) to death, they are “spreading the love” in an inventive and evil fashion, through the use of a variant Soggy Biscuit game.

I’ll leave that there for you to puzzle out on your own.

Overall verdict; read it if you are a fan of post-apocalyptic stories as well as “zombie” fiction, as the Crossed are the implacable but intelligent foe that Zombie fiction sometimes wants for.

Review: The Book that Stinks

The Show that Smells

The Show That Smells is the most SHOCKING story ever shown on the silver screen! It’s also the tale of Jimmie, a country music singer dying of tuberculosis, and Carrie, his wife, who tries to save him by selling her soul to a devil who designs HAUTE COUTURE CLOTHING! Elsa is a powerful Parisian dress designer, and a vampire. She wants to make Carrie look beautiful, smell beautiful – AND THEN SHE WANTS TO EAT HER! Will Carrie survive as her slave? Will Jimmie be cured? Starring a host of Hollywood’s brightest stars, including Coco Chanel, Lon Chaney and the Carter Family, The Show That Smells is a thrilling tale of HILLBILLIES, HIGH FASHION, AND HORROR!

My rating: 1.0 stars
*

Bad Book. Bad Book. Bad Book. Horrible Tropes.  Bad Book. Bad Book. Stunt Typography. Bad Book. Bad Book. Bad Book. Vampires are all Homosexual Baby Killers.  Bad Book. Bad Book. Bad Book. Graphic and Morbid Rape Scenes.

There isn’t much of a plot to this screed, so I won’t waste any time with discussing characters or plot.  There are 6 actual characters and about 15 speaking roles in this made-for-Limbaugh Vampire novella.  It all devolves into a kind of stunt-book, with words strewn among typography tricks and over-used AMICLEVER section mastheads meant to evoke a maze of mirrors.  The Vampires are monsters and as they themselves state, they are gay, because everyone who is evil is gay, right?

My satire detector is broken again I guess, but the heavy “We kill babies and have forced butt secks” section was more than enough for me, as was the pointlessly brief climax.  Avoid this book and any derivative Jack Chick tracts it may spawn or else be forced to envision a melty-faced Lon Chaney standing behind a crying (pantsless) man saying “HAW HAW HAW” as he violates him with a perfume bottle.

All that was left was a Torn Cowl

RIPPED COWL
All that was left was a Torn Cowl and a sad Sidekick or Two

So Batman: R.I.P. comes to an end.  It was a long, turgid, throbbing, uh.. cock fest.
[spoiler]

I’m beginning to think that Grant Morrison only likes a female character if he has it written down somewhere that she has a penis or will eventually turn out to be the reason the Hero is dead or crazy.  Even Ragged Robin was nothing but trouble for King Mob.  So it shouldn’t be a surprise to me that  the woman Bruce Wayne took into his confidence was pivotal to his downfall, it’s just the way Grant Morrison writes, Talia Al Ghul was just a plot point to get Damien into the picture and so on.  So when the Calvary shows up to save Batman, it’s not staffed with the local Bird of Prey or any of the Outsiders, it’s the XY brigade to the rescue (or at least, the Distraction)

Please forgive me for spoiling the story for you, but Batman has gone underground now to deal with the Black Glove and will resurface in a reasonable amount of time, because, as we all know, The Batman is always one step ahead.

Best moment of the Issue and the real saving grace of Grant’s writing, it’s well written, engaging and entertaining, especially the Joker, who is portrayed in his essential lunacy and casual violence, especially in his accidental disposal by Damien.

I strongly recommend this for Batman fans interested in seeing “the end” of the RIP series and recommend as a read for Joker fans either way.
[/spoiler]

Review: Dead Space

Dead Space

A repair crew visits a damaged mining ship in orbit around a planet that has yielded more than just pure mineral goodness; now the repair crew need to fight off the crazed and mutated remains of the mining ship’s personnel and escape back into space and home.

Dead Space plays about the same as every other Over the shoulder third person horror game. Aiming is fairly good, scares are plentiful and the Graphics are above par. Some notable game play mechanics issues that I found annoying, no jump. Fire was not always fire, it was sometimes “flail” at air, requiring you to remember that the right mouse mutton needed to be pressed … OH DAMN I’M BEING EATEN AGAIN!!!!.

Never mind that you can’t run & shoot at the same time. The game just punished you for having the gun out, you walked extra slow if you brandished any weapon larger than the empty gloves, but ran fine if you just “carried” the weapon. I spent the majority of this game cursing or panicking, it was high school all over again. Whether it was running down halls praying that nothing would pop out or frantically trying to get the damn gun to fire (which never seemed to work if I didn’t keep it at “the ready” before a fight. Did I mention that I kept the gun “ready” for more than 5 hours in the game?

I took to launching mines into every room I entered, but that made no difference, as the monsters were often non there until I saw them. Let me state that again, if I couldn’t see the monster, it often wasn’t there. Which means I could shoot a mine into a room, have it explode, then run face first into the monster behind the door that wasn’t there until I saw it.

Perhaps if Issac ran through the whole game with his eyes closed, there would have been no monsters at all!

My rating: 4.5 stars
****1/2

I’m being overly critical, of course.

I played the game in small bursts; letting my heart rate slow to a near attack between firefights and enclosed space battles with small crowds of dessicated infants with serious worm issues.    It wasn’t a “dark” game, which was refreshing, as many horror games hide the monsters in the dark and rely on them jumping out to get you (Doom 3, and so on).  Dead Space scared you by letting you know the monsters were coming well in advance and that there was nothing you would be able to do to stop them, save gird your loins and find a solid wall to stand against or a long open space to run through.

The dismemberment mechanic worked fairly well, but beyond the really touch monsters, I was able to bludgeon or stomp most of them to death with minimal effort; which happened more than I would have liked.  Also, I don’t think I killed a single human in the game.  Which was a crime, as more than one human character needed to be dismembered by my line gun.  C’est La Vie.

I played the Game on my Core Duo, on Windows Xp Sp3 with an Nvidia 8500GT video card and 2 gigs of ram.  I turned off bloom, blur, motion blur, advanced lighting and shadows and played it at 1440×900.  I don’t think I suffered one slowdown or hiccup in game play.  Not one.  It was solidly beautiful and fluid throughout, even without added dressing.

As for the plot, there were some fairly severe inconsistencies introduced; not the least of which was the Marker itself.  I won’t stray into spoiler town, but I will state this, [spoiler] “THE MARKER WAS NOT THE SOURCE OF THE EVIL, IT WAS THE SOLUTION TO IT. “[/spoiler]

Review: Step Brothers

Step Brothers

John C. Reily and Will Ferrell play the Man-Boy roles they may have been waiting their entire careers for as two spoiled and pampered manchildren of Single parents, they are faced with losing their status as the sole focus of their respective parent’s attention and fend for themselves.

An uneven and sometimes hilarious comedy. That is the single best thing one can say about this movie. Both Actors do exactly what you expect of them and 60% of the good laughs are in the trailer. I actually stopped watching the movie at points; cringing at the craven way the two men behaved. There are some notably funny moments, but the package as a whole is flawed. I’d recommend watching this as a rental or borrow it from your friend who buys all of Will Ferrell’s movies without question.

My rating: 2.5 stars
**1/2

Criticism aside, there is one scene in the movie that literally brought me to coughing racks of tears, I was laughing so hard. Imagine the massive fight between Neo and Agent Smith but 100 times more brutal and with school-aged children in the role of the massive crowd. Now imagine Will Ferrel swinging a small child as a weapon.

That one scene almost redeemed this movie to a solid 4.0. almost.