Skip to content

Tag: humor

Top Three Reasons Dennis Kucinich is a Bad Ass

Whats that?  Is Dennis Kucinich gonna have to Pocket Constitution on you?
What's that? Is Dennis Kucinich gonna have to Pocket Constitution on you?

After his firey speech at the DNC in August 2008, Dennis Kucinich has regained some of the stature that his supporters felt he deserved; he’s the *real* liberal left wing of the Democrats, but he is also something else.  Dennis Kucinich is a Bad-ass Mutha-‘Effer.

3. He’s a Sexy Mutha-‘Effer

She loves him for his mind.  That’s what you keep telling yourself.  It’s because of his liberal policies and strong political opinions.  His stance on Women’s rights and Abortion are what attracted her, sure.  It was the fact that he’s smoother than airgel and harder than steel that keeps the ladies on him.  Kucinich has the prowess of John Holmes and the Mind of a Savant.   Even Dolomite can’t hang in Kucinich’s ‘hood.

Special Note: His Pimp Juice is a nice tea.  His love engine runs on righteousness and awesome.

2.  Aliens Fear and Revere Him

Aliens for Dennis
Aliens for Dennis

“The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him,” she wrote. “It hovered, soundless, for 10 minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn’t comprehend. He said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.”
Shirley MacLaine

What Miss MacLaine wasn’t aware of is that for those 10 minutes, Dennis was transported invisibly into the ship and taken to the home planet of those Aliens.  They wanted to study the Man, (they had seen his wife on news broadcasts and wanted to study the man in person).  The only problem being that while Dennis isn’t violent, he is fully capable of whipping some grey ass when the need is there.  After hours of ongoing psychic combat and a series of acrobatic and violent fist fights, Dennis Subdued the leader of the Greys and convinced them that he wasn’t going to take over their planet in a violent coup, instead he left them a copy of the consitution and asked politely to be taken back to earth.  9 minutes and 30 seconds after they appeared, the aliens left Dennis on Earth in approximately 14.3 years the denizens of a future earth will see the new constellation “Dennis Kucinich” in the neighborhood of Alpha Centauri, home of the nearest inhabited planet it takes 10 years to build new stars you know.

1.  Dennis Kucinich had a Mafia Hit on him, and the Mafia had to abandon it.

Is this man about to put a Hit on Someone?
Is this man about to put a Hit on Someone?

During his tenure as Mayor of Cleveland, the Mafia put a hit out on “The Boy Mayor” (Dennis was 31).  The official story is that Dennis was in hospital the day the hit was planned and so it was called off, the truth is something a great deal darker; and the reason Dennis refuses to ever pick up a gun again.  The fact of the matter is that Dennis Kucinich is the inspiration for “The Killer” and “The Punisher

That fateful Columbus Day, the major crime families in Cleveland suffered under the twin pistols of “El Morte Diabalous”  the horribly misspelled “Death Devil” who stalked the streets of Cleveland, murdering the evil drug pushing, murdering, leg-breakers that he found.  All totaled Dennis sent 25 men to their maker and spent the rest of the day in hospital for burns on his hands.  Dennis vowed from that day forth to hone his mind into a weapon so that he would never kill another person, with a gun.

Dear Corporations – Please Sponsor Me

Bands are getting into bed with consumer brands – Times Online

From boutique favorites such as Agent Provocateur and Joe Bloggs to icons of the global hyper-mall such as Diesel, Yahoo!, Audi and Coca-Cola, brands have awoken to music’s potential as a powerful communication tool, and a content gold rush is on. Under the “lifestyle” umbrella, household names are seeking out, signing and promoting music. And far from heralding a sellout, taking the corporate shilling may be the smartest career move a struggling artist can make.

I’ve struggled for years to gain true creative and social autonomy to create my ART as I see fit. Usually I have survived on my earnings and created ART on my own dime, I’d love to have some BRAND come along and throw cash at me to focus solely on creative works like my Blog and Photography. It seems to me that I’d first have to create some form of cultural cache that would bring the attention of the soul-patch and turtleneck types that would patron my style of creative outpouring.

Let me be the first Scottish Blogger who lives in London to do it, Dear Corporations “give me money to write this blog”.

I will lay out the law here before we start our relationship though:

  1. I demand full creative control, I even get to make fun of the brand if it annoys me.
  2. You will smile when you ask me to do something.
  3. You will look like I have done something nice for you when I have obviously created something horrible. Perhaps it will sell in Soho?
  4. We will mutually describe me as “L’enfant Terribley” which we think is something French that means that I am a precocious child of some sort when the term “el nino” a Spanish word for boy that describes a series of horrible storms is more accurate.
  5. You will eventually pay me money to go away. This is (as I understand things) the way of the world, and I will go away with my heavy bags of filthy lucre. I will describe them as such when I sleep on them.

See, 5 simple rules to buy my art and grow your Brand.

I have a readership somewhere between Ann Coulter’s true liberal confessions and zero; but I’m sure with the correct positioning and ground swell from your street teams we can get your Brand on my pages and my Art in your Brand.

We’ll be like Reese’s Pieces.

oh enjoy the snark, some days I’m actually funny