Month: March 2009

I present the thing I’m pissed off at in total:

The third Blade movie is the poster child for how not to make a sequel. One would think it would be a no-brainer to pit Blade against Dracula in an ultimate showdown, that it would at the very least deliver on the promise and fun of the second film. But instead, we get a the equivalent of movie cancer – Blade plays supporting character to Nightstalkers Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; Dracula looks like a bouncer in need of a tan instead of the alpha/omega of suckheads and director David Goyer makes ineptitude an Olympic sport.

The movie is a fascinating failure, considering there isn’t much to pulling off a Blade movie other than have Blade brood in between dusting vamps and looking cool while doing it. The goal of the suckfest was to provide a stepping stone for a Nightstalkers spin-off; in doing so, Blade became relegated to the background and his “death scene” came off about as compelling as Scott’s in X3. Blade is a hero, he should die like one. And he should go out in a better vehicle than this crapfest. Avoid this one like the plague.

by Phil Pirrello & Jay Hainsworth

I’ve included a link to the authors of this suckfest (oh pun) so that I may remember them and heap nerd scorn upon their unworthy skulls.

Let me point out some of the problems here:

1. Blade is alive at the end of the movie, I know it’s a spoiler.  However these morons failed to watch and listen to the damn movie.
2. Ryan Reynolds is the fucking Man in this movie.  “Hello, My name is Fuck you”  C’mon.
3. They really kill Whistler and don’t have him come back from the dead like an asshole (unlike in Blade 2)
4. Patton “Fucking” Oswalt is in this movie.
5. The Villain is played by Parker Posey (Alt-Chick turned crazy ass vampire?  Yes Please), Ryan Reynolds refers to the biggest she-bitch in the movie as “kitten” to her face; while being pummeled by Sabretooth (okay, I;m not 100% sure this is the same actor, but it looks like him)
6. Patton Oswalt?  Got that?  Not doing punch-up off camera either, right there in the middle of the screen.
7. Natasha Lyon doesn’t play a junkie.  Swish!
8. The one REALLY WEAK moment in the movie (SERIOUSLY WEAK) is when Blade tells JB to “Use it” over her pain at Natasha Lyonne dying.
9. Vampire Rotweilers
10. Vampire Toy Poddles (Reaper Strain no less)
11. Dracula kills a Suicide Girl reject in what appears to be Hot Topic.  Nice!

Let me re-state the reason I’m pissed at Messers Pirello and Hainsworth, Blade is alive at the end of the flick (having been replaced by another Vampire before the cops showed up).  If you are going to purport to review movies, you gotta either watch them to the end or at least check if your emphatically stated facts are even close to accurate.

Hey, did I mention the sub-plot where the government are aware of Blade and take part in taking him down?  Neat!

What about the special anti-vampire weapons?  Concentrated Sunlight in an arrowhead?  Nice, Shooting arrows around corners, fuck yeah!

They then go on to bash on Back to the Future 3, the most beloved part of the series after number 1 (among normals, not bitter nerds)  Bitter nerds love number 2 more (I’m with the nerds on this one)

However, if one was to layer the Blade movies in terms of entertainment, It goes Blade 1 (hard physical effects for the fights, cool vamps (donnal logue recognize!) Blade 3 (JB and RR + Patton OSwalt) then Blade 2 (Cartoon fights, c’mon!)  I loved Blade 2 until I watched Blade 3 a second time.

Don’t listen to these IGN assholes, Blade 3 is the shit, take a big whiff.