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Day: July 6, 2008

Short Story: Where it Rains

I like working on the west coast, near the forests.  It always rains here.

No one ever looks up.

I can leap from building to building, righting wrongs and so on, no one ever looks up and says “hey, up there in the sky, is that Superman?”

I’m not Superman, I’m not even Super-Dog, or Super-Horse, I’m just Hiram.  Hiram the Secret Superman.

I’m also cripplingly shy and lose my powers when people see me using them.  Seriously.

My powers only work when no one knows I’m using them.  Super Strong, hell yeah, Invunerable, sure, Heat vision? Check.  Telekinesis, you bet!  Invisibility?  No.  There’s the rub.  I can’t operate without being observed in most places, especially the big cities on the east coast and mid-west.  There’s always a tourist looking up at the skyscrapers and saying “golly.”   So I live on the West Coast.  I love the rain and mostly work at night.

Some folks would wonder why I bother at all, my powers only work when I am working in secret, and I can’t even tell my best friend about it because he’d never believe me.  He’d just say “Hiram, you’re drunk or high or something” if I insisted, he’d take me to a doctor and that would be it.  My powers would never work again because someone, somewhere would know about it or question it and I’d be sunk.

It’s my secret though, and I feel great just flying around and throwing big heavy rocks around.  It’s hard to find places to just cut loose and have been thinking about just flying off into space one day.  Did I mention I can move at super speed too?  Yeah.  I got it all, except for Invisibility.

Here on the West Coast, it rains all the time and no one looks up.  So I can put out fires with super breath and stop robbers with my mind.  All without being seen.  It’s great.  The Crime rate has dropped to nearly half since I started operating out here.  The criminals are spooked, but don’t know why and are convinced that they are all just running into bad karma (thank you Left Coast Mysticism!).

Yeah, the West Coast is great, for Hiram the Secret Superman.

Review: Wild Hogs

I get the feeling that the producer was sitting in his Valley living room, thinking that he should finally make that Gay Sex Farce he’d been planning to make for years and said to himself (or herself I didn’t check) that they should forget about using twinks and go straight for middle aged actors.  When they couldn’t get real middle aged porn actors to star in their Gay Sex Farce, they decided to call in some Scilon help and cast John Travolta.

One 70s star doesn’t really make a great Gay Sex Farce, so they decided to cast another actor who had (under duress) looked for comfort in the arms of another man.  That way they would have at least one Camp actor and one “Butch” actor in the bunch.  Then they hired a nerd and a black guy to round out the cast.

So, with a cast in place an a loose plot involving a road trip for middle aged motorcycle enthusiasts escaping their wives for the week and discovering their intimate feelings ROAD HOGS, the Gayest Gay joke ever was in production.  Except the title was changed to Wild Hogs so it would not be so obviously Gay.

The whole movie seems to be one long Gay Joke, I’d have taken it for a Gay Sex Farce if it wasn’t for the fact that the Gay part is treated as if it is poisonous radioactive waste, instead of a campy joke.  If I remember correctly this film-opus to the Carry-On films was number one in the box office when it was released.  It was only pushed out of the top spot by “300” where shirtless Spartans opiled up and beat an army sensless with their pecs for a couple of hours.

I have to admit that I had a couple genuine laughs during this, much as I did during “Norbit” but this really was a fairly crappy, homophobic pile of crap.  I think that one might have to take leave of their senses to spend money on this one.  Avoid, watch the Carry On films instead, at least the Camp Sex Farces are kind of funny.

Never let it be said that do not also blow with the wind

I don’t know if you’ve seen this video yet, and wonder if I should even be posting it, but I find it so uplifting that I want to share it with you too. If you’ve had some bad news recently you should watch this. Maybe you’ll feel inspired?

Yeah, I’m making a links post, but why not? It’s Sunday. I got the car cleaned out, but didn’t clean the exterior…. what a goof. It looks like Monday should be nice, so cleaning it in the evening won’t be a problem.

If you’re not already listening to Maestro Fresh Wes, you didn’t click that link and I’m already gone.